Looking Within

There’s a song I’ve been looking for, for at least, two years. I had no idea what it was called, or who sang it. All I knew was that I’d seen the video a lot on MTV but I just was always enjoying it too much to actually look at the details. All I knew was a snatch of the chorus.
I asked all my big music lover friends. Always just singing the little bit of the chorus that I knew, and hoping that someone would recognise what I was looking for.

But no one knew it.

I've picked up a lot of music from my friends in the last couple of months, and I hadn’t listened to a lot of it. So two days ago, trying to get my mind off some stuff which I don’t feel talking about right now, I decided to just listen to something different. So I put on these guys called Mattafix. I listened to a song called “Big City Life” from their album “Signs of a Struggle”. I liked it, so I decided to listen to the whole album. Track four comes on; and it’s the song I’ve been looking for!!! Right there, on my laptop. The last place I’d ever have thought to look. The song is called “To & Fro”. For two years I’ve been trying to find this song and where do I finally find it???

On my laptop.

It was so very ironic, that it got me thinking.
We go from place to place, from pillar to post. Looking for whatever it is we think is important. And a lot of the time, it’s right there staring us in the face. Or sitting right there in our laps. And we go “To and Fro”, thinking maybe we’ll find it here, or maybe we’ll find it there. And we hurt ourselves or get hurt by someone when we don’t find it. Or we find what bears a semblance to what we’re looking for, and we throw ourselves into getting it, only to find that it’s not what we were looking for in the first place.

Sometimes, we don’t even know what it is that we’re looking for. All we know is that like John Mayer said: “Something’s...missing, and I don’t know how to fix it."

Maybe we need to stop looking to others to give us what we want. ‘Cos if we don’t know what we want, how can someone else give it to you??? Maybe we need to look to ourselves for the answers. Maybe we already have what we need. I told a friend of mine, that before you can be loved by anyone else, you need to be able to love yourself. And then love will come find you.

So, I don’t even know if there’s a moral to this story. I think it’s just that – the answer to most problems we have lies in us. And there’s no need to run around killing ourselves looking for something we can provide for ourselves.

Look inside.

Or maybe, I’m just really happy I found this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGOGbdXXxYY

Back To The Tribulation Of Higher Education

I’m supposed to be packing up to go to school o...but I’m just tired.

I have no idea how to do it right. I always do something wrong. Pack too much, don’t pack enough stuff, and forget some important stuff, that sort of thing. If I continue like this, it’s obvious I’m not gonna be going to school today, which “she” and my mum have made it quite clear that they don’t approve of. I’m starting to wonder if the both of them aren’t calling each other to decide how best to make me do whatever they want me to. My mum says something, then I’m talking to her, and she says the same thing, and vice – versa. And they’ve both been going on about my not going back to school.

It’s not like I don’t want to go to school. There are a couple of reasons why I should... There’s so much wahala involved in staying in this house, for instance, with my old man. The dude gives me enough stress to give a donkey a heart attack. But then, I’ve decided that having a father like him is God’s way of teaching me patience. And besides, when I think about it, he’s not all bad... I mean, he did take us out for some really nice Chinese food at the Sunrise Chinese Restaurant yesterday.

And about the Sunrise Restaurant; the place ain’t that bad. In fact it was quite good. Small and cozy, the waiters were rather well mannered, the food was served promptly, and the food was good. Yeah, the food was really nice. And it wasn’t such a pocket burner too. I think I can give the Sunrise Chinese Restaurant the Capoeira Panda’s very first “Paw Print of Approval”.

Anyways, so my old man ain’t so bad (even though he can be quite annoying sometimes). I should go back to school. “She” has exams and my presence is really quite a distraction. She didn’t distract me when I had exams so I guess it’s only fair that I return the favour don’t you think???

But then I really don’t wanna go back to school. To the hustle and bustle involved in it all. No water, no light a lot of the time, it’s bloody hot as well. We have to walk everywhere, or wait for the school bus, or take a shuttle bus, which I hate as much as I hate taking Danfo in Lagos!!! And the food is nothing short of CRAP!!!! Any RUN students agree???

And to top it off, we’re caged like animals. Not literally, like they actually throw us in cages, but mentally. With all their silly rules which we cannot protest ‘cos we’ve come to see that we actually have no rights at all (violation will result in premature graduation). So you have students trying to be who they’re not, living false lives... it’s just so irritating. It’s like being in an open prison. You can walk around, but you can’t go anywhere you actually want to. When I’m there I always feel totally imprisoned. I can’t do anything. Sometimes I just want to scream my throat out ‘cos I’m tied up in my mind and I can’t find a way to break loose, and I want to run. Just run till there’s no strength left in my legs. So I leave when I can, and delay going back as long as I reasonably can.

Anyways so I should go, but I really don’t want to. Besides, there’s nothing happening in school just yet. Classes won’t really start fully till next week and all of that. I’ve already done registration and collected my course forms, so no 10k late registration fee. But I’m sha packing to go. And I HATE PACKING!!! I just don’t know how to do it. I never get it right. I pack wrong,

I never organize properly...I know I’m going on and on about how much I hate packing but...I really do hate packing...like I said, I have to marry a wife who knows how to pack properly, so when I want to travel, she’ll help me pack. Maybe I should’ve asked ‘her’ to come over and help me do some packing. She says she’s not too bad at it.

Am I just being lazy and irresponsible??? Or am I taking too many chances??? I don’t know joh... I just really want to sleep o....

Homophobia - Are We Taking It Too Far???

A funny thing happened this evening. One of my boys sent me a text saying “tell me how your day was.” When I saw this text, the first thing that came to my mind was “okay, maybe he mistakenly sent it to me instead of some babe.” So I call him back and he says he actually sent it to me. Was there anything wrong with him asking about how his friend’s day had gone??? No there wasn’t. As a matter of fact, there was a time when we would generally gist on the phone for like one hour (Starcomms free weekend calls) and I’d tell him what was going on and all of that. Generally just boys’ gist. But this...felt different. I felt like, you don’t send a message to a guy asking him to send you a text telling you how his day was do you (if you’re a guy). It just felt very...gay.

Then I realized what it was. Homophobia.

I’m a rather homophobic individual. The idea of homosexuality scares (and also irritates) the hell outta me. But why, would it be gay for a friend to send a text asking ‘bout how you’re doing?
What has become the world standard on what is gay and what is not? These days, friendly and innocent behaviour between two guys can be termed “gay”. What’s going on with us guys???

The Things She Doesn't Know

She doesn’t like swear words. In fact, she detests them completely.

I know that. I’ve always known that. And I’ve always kept my tongue in control. Not only around her, but generally as well. So in my last blog, where I threw in some foul language, she was very upset about it.

Here’s what was crazy about it. It’s not that she was just upset about it. I feel like the way she’s feeling transcends her anger, and she feels more like she doesn’t know me. It’s like she feels I’ve been hiding stuff from her in the last year in which we’ve known each other.

And that’s the topic for the day; Secrets.

When a guy meets a babe and vice – versa, do they let the person see everything – I mean literally everything – about themselves from the very beginning? Or do they break it to the person bit by bit? I mean, with this right now, it’s not like I was trying to hide foul language from her, it was a case of her not liking something, and me not doing it so she wouldn’t be uncomfortable. Was I hiding it from her? I don’t really know.

I’ve tried to let her know everything about me. From other women, to bad habits I’ve gone through in my life, to... everything. But swearing??? It just seemed so completely inconsequential, so insignificant that I really didn’t think it mattered. Like, I have rather serious control over what I say. I think so much before I say anything that it’s kinda hard for words to just blurt right outta my mouth, especially words which I don’t want to come out (even though it does happen on occasion.

Should I have told her sometime in the last one year, “Hey babes, I’m given to swearing on occasion, even though I have it totally under control”??? What would’ve been the point? And then when she confronted me about it, I made this dumb excuse “when I’m angry I really can’t control what I say.” That’s a big lie!! I always control what I say, no matter how upset I am. The truth is, I just wanted to let out, and so I allowed myself to swear.

Back to the topic.

What happens when there are some things that you do, which you don’t want the significant other in your life to know about??? For instance, I have a friend who smokes, he’s trying to quit, but he meets this girl, who later becomes his woman. And when she asks if he smokes (she don’t like guys that smoke); he says no. Now the logic behind this for him was, he’s trying to quit. So it shouldn’t matter. And in a little bit, he actually does quit smoking. Was he wrong? Should he have told her yes, he smoked but was quitting??? He would’ve lost the girl. Would that have been the ‘right’ thing to do???

I’ve always been of the opinion that, there should be totally nothing about myself that I can’t tell the woman in my life. But, there are some things that are totally unnecessary for her to know. What if it’s something that totally does not matter???

But maybe, it’s better for your significant other to know everything about you. I woke up this morning feeling horrible ‘cos I kept remembering the way she sounded over the phone. Like she realized she was talking to a person she didn’t know at all. And that kinda hurt.

But still, the argument still goes in my head; what good would it have done??? And even though I still feel it wouldn’t have done any good, why do I feel so crappy???

I guess it's not only what you don't know that can hurt you. What you don't tell can hurt you as well...

Man... Guess it’s just me and my life huh???

So now, I’ve sat here blogging for the sake of blogging. Just to be able to let out how I feel right now. I don’t know... I guess we’ll sort it out... Somehow...

The Capoeira Panda Pops His (blogging) Cherry.

So this is like my first blog ever. I heard I’m just supposed to write out whatever simply hits my mind and on any particular topic. Guess I could try it.

The reason why I named my blog “Searching for Words” is because that’s how I am a lot of the time. I’m trying to bring up the words on some topic, but my mouth is simply not working as fast as my brain. So I just might be thinking a whole lot of things, but I never say them because by the time I open my mouth, those thoughts are gone and I’m left looking rather stupid with my mouth just hanging open and I’m not saying nothing.

Crazy huh?

So right now, I’m typing out my blog on Microsoft Word, ‘cos there’s no light and I won’t be able to post it up for a bit. Isn’t it so annoying what NEPA – I’m sorry, PHCN is doing to us? They just consistently screw up everything we try to do. Like, I was trying to download some Bleach Manga (yes, I’m a manga and anime fan), was about 52megs, and at 50megs, lights out. And I’m left spitting out curses like; “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest you peoples’ private parts!!!!!!” Damn. So right now I’m typing this out and it’s like, 8:48am but I have no idea when it’s gonna go up on BlogSpot ‘cos there’s no way I’m gonna be putting on the gen just to post this up (sorry). So yeah, I’m not really having a good day. Dolapo (my car) is at the mechanic. And I’ve been told she’s gotta go through some surgery which I really can’t afford right now (clutch burnt, gear box damaged...that kind of stuff). And I’m mad as hell. Why you may ask??? Because dear reader, this damage was not brought about by myself, but by my darling sister and cousin!!!! And how did this happen??? Before I went back to school in January, I told my sis to leave the car alone, because the gear shift was giving problems, and if a person didn’t know that, they might keep shifting it into 3 instead of 1 which would of course, fry the clutch. I practically begged!!!! But did she listen???

Nope! She (in an effort to indemnify herself from responsibility) gave the car to my cousin MaryJ to drive, without telling MJ what was going on with Dolapo. MJ then proceeded to fry Dolapo’s clutch a bit, I come back home, and my sis is going on about how MJ is supposed to be a very good driver and this hadn’t happened when my dad’s driver had taken the car out and how come this happened when it was MJ that took the car out and just a whole lot of crapthat was supposed to make it not her fault. And I’m not even ready to start yelling at her like I should but man what the hell!!!! This is some old nonsense!!! Now thanks to her I’m the one suffering!!! I’m always suffering for this kinda crap. Even when it’s not my fault. Anyways, so I’ve been taking Dolapo around, trying to manage her as I do what I do (you know how I do) and then she starts giving me issues so I take her to Oga Femi(mechanic) for regular servicing, and he tells me all of this wahala is going on with Dolly. So what can I do? So I go to the old man and he, like the annoying man he usually knows how to be, proceeds to give me hell before he’ll help me out. I’ve never understood why he has to be like that all the time. Now he’s delayed me for like 3 hours, which will take a king sized bite outta my time so I’ll end up not being able to see “her” today, which I’d really like to do ‘cos I didn’t see her yesterday, and I saved some chops from last night’s dinner that my mama had.

So now, I’m sitting here, waiting for him to sha answer me and lemme get all this sorted out, I’m blogging and “she” flashes me. Now I want to talk to her, I really do. But I’m wondering if maybe I’m really a distraction that she doesn’t need in her life right now. She has exams going on and she promised me that she’d make me proud this semester so I don’t wanna be the reason she doesn’t fulfil her promise. In law I believe that would be called a ‘tender of performance’ right law students??? I know I was listening during my Business Law classes. Plus, there’s some other stuff going on with us that I really don’t know how to handle. And neither does she and it’s really screwing things up with her, with me... with us. But... “she” is a topic for another day I guess. Right now I have to sort out how I’m gonna get Dolly fixed up.

And my boy Slim just called and asked if I wanna be in a music video. Good old Capoeira style. From the name I’m sure you can tell that I’m into Capoeira right? And the story behind calling me “The Capoeira Panda” will be brought to light some other time. Anyways, ‘bout that video... wonder if I’ll be able to do it. Would be nice to be able to say “look mommy, mommy I’m on T.V!!!”

But let’s see how things go shall we??? So I’ll be posting this on BlogSpot ASAP, and y’all can lemme know what you think. Wonder if my blog will ever be as popular as Speechgirl’s... I’m sort of a fan of her by the way....

So... The Capoeira Panda has officially popped his (blogging) cherry. Hope this goes well. Maybe I’ll write something tonight (depends on how I feel).

Till next time my (maybe non – existent) readers. Domo Arrigato Gozaimasu!!!!!