Death of Writer's Block...

So I’ve decided that now, I’m gonna write, and nothing’s gonna stop me.

But man this writer’s block dey do me one kind o. It’s like I start out with this big plan of all the thigns I want to write about, but then when I start out, something just happens and puts my brain on lockdown. But enough of the whining... let’s talk about what’s been going on with me.

So....how far back should we take this??? I don’t know, maybe, I should start with some things that have changed about me...

Recently, I called up this babe that I haven’t spoken to in months. In fact, like maybe over a year. So we’re chatting, and then she goes “what’s with all this sarcastic behaviour??? Where’s the sweet guy I used to know???” and other things along that line...and I say to her “I’m not the boy you used to know...” (Sing along people). I mean, she knew me quite well at some point, at some point we were really feeling each other- never worked out though (hey, things happen). But it was really amusing how she just wouldn’t believe that I’m just not the same guy.

Anyhow...what has changed about me in recent times???

I’ve given up hanging with the Jolly Green Giant (know what I mean???) I mean like totally and totally (I really, really hope). I’m quite sure I don’t need to explain that...I have better things to do with my life than be getting “Jolly”. Funny thing is, I was chatting with someone today, and I told the person that I’d given it up. Response: “NO.........!!!!!!! Sacrilege!!! How can you abandon us???!!!!” Someone else was like: “It’s ‘her’ abi??? She’s the one making you give it up abi???” Laugh been almost wan kill me!!! But on the real, I’ve said goodbye the Jolly Green Giant. And somehow or the other, I think that’s a very good thing.

What else???

I think I’m giving up alcohol little by little (to “her” utmost joy...lol). I don’t drink spirits anymore (goodbye Vodka, Johnny, Jack and Remy.) and these days, it’s just a little bit of wine, maybe amarula, some tequila... (To “her” total displeasure...but na small small...no be so???)

I’m trying to do things right. Get closer to God (don’t go looking anyhow now o...you know we all need that), get back in shape physically; maybe lose some weight (I said maybe. Don’t hold your breath).

What, you may ask, is my reason for this extreme makeover??? I don’t know...I just think it’s time. My fat posterior ain’t getting any younger, so I guess I gotta do what I gotta do.

But moving on...The last week was just totally ridiculous... it had it’s up’s and downs you know...

I went to school on Monday to pays school fees (No be me and you go dey queue anyhow when school start o), checked out my results....man....oh man....I can only thank God....

Tuesday was my cousin’s birthday....we had a little thing at Koko Lounge which would have been fun for me if not for some stuff that happened between me and madam that day...Man...I really don’t know what I’m going to do...Me and her keep going back and forth and back and forth...the pain we go through is totally excruciating, but then...the love...(yeah I said it!!!) the love is why we just can’t leave each other... I swear if I could I would but I just can’t walk away from that babe...I mean...one time, I actually thought about hooking up with some babes that had been giving your boy the green light (yes, I’m talking in the plural), just to take my mind off her, you know, engage in some illicit activities...and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do it. We keep going back and forth, from happy to sad, break up to make up....I don’t think I can do it anymore....

But that’s a story for another blog.

I got into an accident on Friday...Yes...another accident!!!! And this one...na me cause am o. I wasn’t looking where I was going, and I rammed into this guy driving a fresh Camry 2.2, 2000 Model!!! As I hit the guy I just start to dey cry!!! Me wey don dey cry say owu breeze been dey blow me for head!!! Which kind gbese come be this one???!!!! So I get out of the car, take a look at Dolapo, her bumper’s really banged in, the glass of one of her full lights is shattered...I start to cry...plenty money for my panel beater o.....then I work up liver to look at the Camry (CHEI!!!! I don buy market o!!!!) Guess what????

Not a scratch!

The guy first siddon for him car reach like one minute!!! (E be like say him dey calculate how he wan take brush me as I take big pass him...) Finally him commot for the car come see wetin happen. He first look me (him see say, true true I big pass him), he look my motor...he come look him car... When he don see say nothing do am, he come ask me: “What happened???” I, in a small voice which would be unexpected from a person my size, replied: “Honestly, I have no idea...” He then goes: “Well...sorry sha.” And that’s it!!!! He drives off, and I’m thinking to myself, “Mo bo lo wo won!!!!!!! Jesu!!!! Thank you o!!!! So I drive to panel beater place... the guy first give me STRONG bill for the bumper... He come talk say, to replace that glass, go be 3k5 (cost, transport, fixing.) I said ok o, but as cash no dey my hand, I go need reach bank first, so I go come back tomorrow. So I sha go my paddy place, me and madam, my boys, and my paddy wife hang out small, we come go white house go find food chop! (Man must whack!!! Abi no be so???) Some fantastic amala, ewedu and gbegiri!!!!!!!! HYOOOOOSSSSHHH!!!!!!!

Anyways....so when I tell my friends that I had accident, one of them says he knows where I can buy that glass that the panel beater said would cost me 3k5, so yesterday, we went to buy it, and guess how much I spent to buy it and get it fixed?????

N700.

I almost went mad!!!! It’s my plan in life to KILL THAT PANELBEATER!!!!!!!! The guy wan scam me!!!! God must punish him!!!!!!!!!!!

Well sha... that’s all going on right now.... I think my days of writer’s block are over.....I’ll be writing again sometime soon.

Misunderstood

It’s been a long while since I did any blogging.

I know that. I’m not gonna try to make any excuses like I’ve been really busy and school has taken over my life and all of those kinds of excuses that (while very true) you really don’t want to read. Though, if we’re a bit reasonable, I’ve had some problems in this open prison of mine. For instance, for about a week and a half, there was no electricity in my hostel, something about the gen being bad or some jazz to that effect. And then I’ve been having tests littered here and there (as I’m writing right now, I have a test coming up on Tuesday which I’m not nearly ready for, but I’ll be fine.)

Truth is,My thoughts have been too jumbled to leak out in the form of ink from my pen (or keystrokes from my laptop as the case may be).

But then, I was talking to “her” today – no, I think she sent me a text – and it came up, that I haven’t put up a blog in a bit; so I decided to grab a hold of my mind, and talk about something. But, now that I think about it, there’s something that I said I was gonna write about a while ago, and I guess there’s no better time than the present.

I was talking to a friend of mine about two weeks ago, and he asked “Dude, do I have an attitude problem?”

Now I really didn’t know how to start answering his question, because to me, he doesn’t have one. But looking through the eyes of the Average Yakubu, he probably does. Now, this dude is different from most (all my friends are) He’s rather intelligent, mature for someone his age (he’s 20)... generally, he’s a cut above the pack (I’m surrounded by people like this). He’s someone that a “normal” person his age would never be able to relate with, or understand. The truth is, me and a lot of mine have often been referred to as people with attitude problems.

Humans in general, do not like what they can’t understand.

So, this dude who’s just doing his thing, who has no patience for deliberate idiocy, can come off as a jerk now and then. I thought about this, and about how no one understands anyone. It’s amazing how people can label you, just because they feel threatened by your difference. I’ve seen friends and acquaintances, labelled in the oddest ways, while they were just being themselves.

I’m just a soul, whose intentions are good,

O Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.

So I was thinking today about Laide “exschoolnerd” Olabode, and how much bull she probably has to put up with. I think that babe is a rather intelligent person. One of us kinds of people who I’ve termed “strange but beautiful” I met her once at the Bay, but we didn’t really talk. If she’s half as interesting, witty, creative and intelligent as her regular status updates and all her notes tell me she is, then she must be a friend worth having. In fact, Laide “exschoolnerd” Olabode gets the Capoeira Panda’s Paw Print of Approval for being quite a correct babe. Anyways, I was thinking how, even though she has people telling her how funny she is, and how cool she is, she seems to me, to be just like me and most of my friends and people I hang out with; totally unfathomable to the common mind.

The common man does not like that which he cannot fathom.

I can give a long list of people who are well above the pack, who are “strange but really cool”, who have probably received (and still receive) their fair share of beef for it. Remi Olutimayin, Mujib Waziri, Demola Sadiq, Amos Akpokabayen, Nnamdi Obanya, Godwin Tom, Bally Akogun, my sister Funmi, Laide “exschoolnerd” Olabode, my cousin Mary Jay, Tosyn Bucknor...people I like to term Creatives...this list goes on.

(Note: Some names mentioned above, are there ‘cos I feel some strange form of kinship with them, not ‘cos I actually know what’s going on in their lives.)

I feel like writing a poem.

Knowing me, knowing you.
Knowing me, knowing you...
Abba must not have known what they were talking about.
But then, do white folk ever really know what they’re talking about?
And that’s what I’m talking about,
The difficulty involved in people understanding what the other person is really about.

Knowing me, knowing you...
We wander from pillar to post,
Trying to gather the most information we can about each other
We say we wanna get to know each other
But how come, at the end of the day,
No one ever understands the other???

Knowing me, knowing you...
Get wisdom, but in all your getting, get understanding.
But you don’t really understand me.
‘Cos if you did, you’d know that I’m just a black man standing,
Under the rain, in pain so intense that...
To a reasonable mind, wouldn’t ever make sense
& from whence this pain came, I’ve long since ceased to remember.
& it might not just be me... I think this is spread across the races and genders.

Knowing me, knowing you...
In the words of the great late Bernie Mac;
“You don’t understand”
& from where I’m standing, we never will.
So there ain’t ever gonna be peace in the Middle East,
A time where the wars will actually cease and desist
A time where people will live as one,
As sister and brother under God’s yellow sun...
Till a time where our weapons of mass destruction will have us all undone...
When we’ll look for sanctuary but yet find none...

Knowing me, knowing you...
So yeah; you don’t understand...
& neither does society,
So they take a look at us in sobriety
 & call us social deviants...
‘Cos we refuse to live in what they’d call propriety???
So they call us crazy, insane...misfits.
Unfit for social consumption
& in everything we’d like to think, say or do publicly,
They’re right there with a polite, yet uncivil interruption.
They say our ideas promote conflict.
Tell me how this even begins to fit???

Knowing me, knowing you...
Man fears what they don’t understand
So I and those like me with preternatural minds understand
That even when everyone acts like they like our difference
They can’t really grasp it.
They go from calling us different, to weird, to plain old absurd.
And the true word is that we don’t really care.
Because you see, like it or not, I’m still here
And I’ll bear whatever you throw.
I’ll go if it’s necessary, but in everything you do, 
Every mundane task, you’ll remember me.

I brought spice into your life, salt into your stew
And even though I needed you, just as you need me now,
The only true company I enjoy is not found amongst you.
Can’t we all just get along???
 I guess not.
I don’t know you, you don’t know me.
Knowing me, knowing you.

Alone

It's been a while since I wrote anything ain't it people??? I didn't mean to leave you (probably non-existent followers of my blog) alone, it's just that I've been kinda busy(plus I've not really had much to tell...). But, recently, I've been looking through my poem book, and I've decided to share one or two of them with you.

I wrote this one, at a time where I was going through some soul searching, and a lot of my true friends, the people who are most important to me, and think like me, where not around.

Alone

I want to be as free as a spirit.
A man with no limits,
Pick up a pen and a pad; put things down how I see them.
Not hindered by laws of what should be and what should not,
Or locked down by another person’s train of thought.

To understand how I must live, what it is I must give,
Or take up.
To realize where I’m asleep,
And if I have to wake up.
To carry the world of my thoughts on my shoulders
Like a regular atlas.
And without those of my kind,
Who understand my type of mind,
Without the comfort of souls to which I can bind,

I find that I am alone.

But if this is how I must live,
The sacrifice I must give,
For my eyes to start to see,
To become the man I need to be,
So at the end of all this, my life doesn’t fade into superfluity,
If I must shoulder this burden all on my own,
Then truly, to become a man,
I first must stand alone.

xxii.x.mmvi

Looking Within

There’s a song I’ve been looking for, for at least, two years. I had no idea what it was called, or who sang it. All I knew was that I’d seen the video a lot on MTV but I just was always enjoying it too much to actually look at the details. All I knew was a snatch of the chorus.
I asked all my big music lover friends. Always just singing the little bit of the chorus that I knew, and hoping that someone would recognise what I was looking for.

But no one knew it.

I've picked up a lot of music from my friends in the last couple of months, and I hadn’t listened to a lot of it. So two days ago, trying to get my mind off some stuff which I don’t feel talking about right now, I decided to just listen to something different. So I put on these guys called Mattafix. I listened to a song called “Big City Life” from their album “Signs of a Struggle”. I liked it, so I decided to listen to the whole album. Track four comes on; and it’s the song I’ve been looking for!!! Right there, on my laptop. The last place I’d ever have thought to look. The song is called “To & Fro”. For two years I’ve been trying to find this song and where do I finally find it???

On my laptop.

It was so very ironic, that it got me thinking.
We go from place to place, from pillar to post. Looking for whatever it is we think is important. And a lot of the time, it’s right there staring us in the face. Or sitting right there in our laps. And we go “To and Fro”, thinking maybe we’ll find it here, or maybe we’ll find it there. And we hurt ourselves or get hurt by someone when we don’t find it. Or we find what bears a semblance to what we’re looking for, and we throw ourselves into getting it, only to find that it’s not what we were looking for in the first place.

Sometimes, we don’t even know what it is that we’re looking for. All we know is that like John Mayer said: “Something’s...missing, and I don’t know how to fix it."

Maybe we need to stop looking to others to give us what we want. ‘Cos if we don’t know what we want, how can someone else give it to you??? Maybe we need to look to ourselves for the answers. Maybe we already have what we need. I told a friend of mine, that before you can be loved by anyone else, you need to be able to love yourself. And then love will come find you.

So, I don’t even know if there’s a moral to this story. I think it’s just that – the answer to most problems we have lies in us. And there’s no need to run around killing ourselves looking for something we can provide for ourselves.

Look inside.

Or maybe, I’m just really happy I found this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGOGbdXXxYY

Back To The Tribulation Of Higher Education

I’m supposed to be packing up to go to school o...but I’m just tired.

I have no idea how to do it right. I always do something wrong. Pack too much, don’t pack enough stuff, and forget some important stuff, that sort of thing. If I continue like this, it’s obvious I’m not gonna be going to school today, which “she” and my mum have made it quite clear that they don’t approve of. I’m starting to wonder if the both of them aren’t calling each other to decide how best to make me do whatever they want me to. My mum says something, then I’m talking to her, and she says the same thing, and vice – versa. And they’ve both been going on about my not going back to school.

It’s not like I don’t want to go to school. There are a couple of reasons why I should... There’s so much wahala involved in staying in this house, for instance, with my old man. The dude gives me enough stress to give a donkey a heart attack. But then, I’ve decided that having a father like him is God’s way of teaching me patience. And besides, when I think about it, he’s not all bad... I mean, he did take us out for some really nice Chinese food at the Sunrise Chinese Restaurant yesterday.

And about the Sunrise Restaurant; the place ain’t that bad. In fact it was quite good. Small and cozy, the waiters were rather well mannered, the food was served promptly, and the food was good. Yeah, the food was really nice. And it wasn’t such a pocket burner too. I think I can give the Sunrise Chinese Restaurant the Capoeira Panda’s very first “Paw Print of Approval”.

Anyways, so my old man ain’t so bad (even though he can be quite annoying sometimes). I should go back to school. “She” has exams and my presence is really quite a distraction. She didn’t distract me when I had exams so I guess it’s only fair that I return the favour don’t you think???

But then I really don’t wanna go back to school. To the hustle and bustle involved in it all. No water, no light a lot of the time, it’s bloody hot as well. We have to walk everywhere, or wait for the school bus, or take a shuttle bus, which I hate as much as I hate taking Danfo in Lagos!!! And the food is nothing short of CRAP!!!! Any RUN students agree???

And to top it off, we’re caged like animals. Not literally, like they actually throw us in cages, but mentally. With all their silly rules which we cannot protest ‘cos we’ve come to see that we actually have no rights at all (violation will result in premature graduation). So you have students trying to be who they’re not, living false lives... it’s just so irritating. It’s like being in an open prison. You can walk around, but you can’t go anywhere you actually want to. When I’m there I always feel totally imprisoned. I can’t do anything. Sometimes I just want to scream my throat out ‘cos I’m tied up in my mind and I can’t find a way to break loose, and I want to run. Just run till there’s no strength left in my legs. So I leave when I can, and delay going back as long as I reasonably can.

Anyways so I should go, but I really don’t want to. Besides, there’s nothing happening in school just yet. Classes won’t really start fully till next week and all of that. I’ve already done registration and collected my course forms, so no 10k late registration fee. But I’m sha packing to go. And I HATE PACKING!!! I just don’t know how to do it. I never get it right. I pack wrong,

I never organize properly...I know I’m going on and on about how much I hate packing but...I really do hate packing...like I said, I have to marry a wife who knows how to pack properly, so when I want to travel, she’ll help me pack. Maybe I should’ve asked ‘her’ to come over and help me do some packing. She says she’s not too bad at it.

Am I just being lazy and irresponsible??? Or am I taking too many chances??? I don’t know joh... I just really want to sleep o....

Homophobia - Are We Taking It Too Far???

A funny thing happened this evening. One of my boys sent me a text saying “tell me how your day was.” When I saw this text, the first thing that came to my mind was “okay, maybe he mistakenly sent it to me instead of some babe.” So I call him back and he says he actually sent it to me. Was there anything wrong with him asking about how his friend’s day had gone??? No there wasn’t. As a matter of fact, there was a time when we would generally gist on the phone for like one hour (Starcomms free weekend calls) and I’d tell him what was going on and all of that. Generally just boys’ gist. But this...felt different. I felt like, you don’t send a message to a guy asking him to send you a text telling you how his day was do you (if you’re a guy). It just felt very...gay.

Then I realized what it was. Homophobia.

I’m a rather homophobic individual. The idea of homosexuality scares (and also irritates) the hell outta me. But why, would it be gay for a friend to send a text asking ‘bout how you’re doing?
What has become the world standard on what is gay and what is not? These days, friendly and innocent behaviour between two guys can be termed “gay”. What’s going on with us guys???

The Things She Doesn't Know

She doesn’t like swear words. In fact, she detests them completely.

I know that. I’ve always known that. And I’ve always kept my tongue in control. Not only around her, but generally as well. So in my last blog, where I threw in some foul language, she was very upset about it.

Here’s what was crazy about it. It’s not that she was just upset about it. I feel like the way she’s feeling transcends her anger, and she feels more like she doesn’t know me. It’s like she feels I’ve been hiding stuff from her in the last year in which we’ve known each other.

And that’s the topic for the day; Secrets.

When a guy meets a babe and vice – versa, do they let the person see everything – I mean literally everything – about themselves from the very beginning? Or do they break it to the person bit by bit? I mean, with this right now, it’s not like I was trying to hide foul language from her, it was a case of her not liking something, and me not doing it so she wouldn’t be uncomfortable. Was I hiding it from her? I don’t really know.

I’ve tried to let her know everything about me. From other women, to bad habits I’ve gone through in my life, to... everything. But swearing??? It just seemed so completely inconsequential, so insignificant that I really didn’t think it mattered. Like, I have rather serious control over what I say. I think so much before I say anything that it’s kinda hard for words to just blurt right outta my mouth, especially words which I don’t want to come out (even though it does happen on occasion.

Should I have told her sometime in the last one year, “Hey babes, I’m given to swearing on occasion, even though I have it totally under control”??? What would’ve been the point? And then when she confronted me about it, I made this dumb excuse “when I’m angry I really can’t control what I say.” That’s a big lie!! I always control what I say, no matter how upset I am. The truth is, I just wanted to let out, and so I allowed myself to swear.

Back to the topic.

What happens when there are some things that you do, which you don’t want the significant other in your life to know about??? For instance, I have a friend who smokes, he’s trying to quit, but he meets this girl, who later becomes his woman. And when she asks if he smokes (she don’t like guys that smoke); he says no. Now the logic behind this for him was, he’s trying to quit. So it shouldn’t matter. And in a little bit, he actually does quit smoking. Was he wrong? Should he have told her yes, he smoked but was quitting??? He would’ve lost the girl. Would that have been the ‘right’ thing to do???

I’ve always been of the opinion that, there should be totally nothing about myself that I can’t tell the woman in my life. But, there are some things that are totally unnecessary for her to know. What if it’s something that totally does not matter???

But maybe, it’s better for your significant other to know everything about you. I woke up this morning feeling horrible ‘cos I kept remembering the way she sounded over the phone. Like she realized she was talking to a person she didn’t know at all. And that kinda hurt.

But still, the argument still goes in my head; what good would it have done??? And even though I still feel it wouldn’t have done any good, why do I feel so crappy???

I guess it's not only what you don't know that can hurt you. What you don't tell can hurt you as well...

Man... Guess it’s just me and my life huh???

So now, I’ve sat here blogging for the sake of blogging. Just to be able to let out how I feel right now. I don’t know... I guess we’ll sort it out... Somehow...