The Inner Masochist

It's funny how, sometimes, we just refuse to learn. We see the results of the bullshit we're about to get ourselves into, but with just a (possibly non existent ) glimmer of hope, we behave like fools. We put ourselves through stuff that could've been avoided, mental stress, heartache......and all for what? If it was so obvious from the first instance that what you were about to do was a bad idea, then why did you get into it in the first place? There was obviously a part of your rational thinking mind that rang the alarm...what happened? Why didnt you pay attention, save yourself the misery. Save yourself having to think to yourself, "What the hell was I thinking???"

I'm starting to believe that in every human being, there's an element of masochism. Whether it's physical or not. Whether, like me, you like a little bit of pain, or you actually like to cause yourself emotional torture. We all, every single one of us, like to torture ourselves...

But why? Do we get some form of pleasure by seeing ourselves like this? I sincerely hope not. As i type this, I'm sitting in a car, waiting for a babe who has started to piss me off again. I spent the night with her, safe to say that nothing, at all, turned out the way I planned.. it was like, everything that could go wrong, did. And I knew that there was a very good chance that something wrong would happen. It was just.....I don't even know what it was. I guess a part of me just hoped this time would be different. But it wasn't. And just like clockwork, I'm  irritated. And her attitude doesn't help matters. If anything, it makes it worse. And now, she's asking me if I'm "okay"...this is funny.

But I did this to myself. I could've done me. The way I always do me. Maybe I'd have been good if I didn't have any expectations. In a way, I'm starting to realize that, before you can get to the point where you actually trust a person to the point where you can expect anything from them on any issue, it takes quite a lot of self proving.

A lot of people think I'm a douchebag when I tell them that I don't go out searching for friends, and anyone that wants to be friends with me will have to prove themselves to be worth my time. But in my defense, I've come to realize that I'm actually good peoples. And more often than not, if anyone's gonna screw up, it's not gonna be me. And I've gotten my hopes up about people so many times, only to be disappointed.

Sometimes, I wish I could explain myself philosophically the way my bro Remy does...lol... I'd give some quote by someone really confounding...

But the truth of how I feel right now, is that I could've avoided being in a shit mood right now. And as with all people, pain can usually easily be avoided. But do we ever listen to that voice inside that's telling us "No man!!! Don't do it!!!" ? No we don't. 'Cos deep down, in everyone of us, we just wanna be able to hope against hope, that everything'll be ok. Even when we know that if they don't turn out okay, we're in for a shit load of pain, or anger, or disappointment... and we also know that the chances of things going ass up are higher than the chances of it being aight...but we frigging do it anyways...we do it because..shit..... I have no idea why we do it. Maybe we like hurting ourselves...maybe deep inside, there's a masochist lurking in everyone of us...

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