V for Virgin!

Virginity.

Over the last couple of days, this topic's been coming up around me. I have no idea why. It just springs up sha. Like yesterday afternoon, @olu_dehinsilu & I were talking about it...then, later in the night. I was sitting by the window in my room, studying, & i heard some dude from the opposite block yell out "FEMI IS A VIRGIN!!!!"

The way he yelled it out ehn, it kinda sounded like an insult to me. As if that wasn't enough, I was watching a movie this afternoon, "Black Swan" - with Natalie Portman - (and for any of you who wanna call me gay for watching that movie, I hold @OtasE fully responsible. She's the one who recommended it to me...)

Anyways, so I'm watching the movie, & at some point, this dude asks Natalie ( I can't remember what her name in the movie was) "You're not a virgin are you?"...& the way he asked was so.......mocking...

A few days ago, a friend of mine was telling me how she heard her year one room-mate & her friends saying that they couldn't wait to start clubbing, & to lose their virginities...what the hell is going on?!?

Even this morning, @sleek004 & @wumie were chatting about the "appropriate time" for a girl to lose her virginity... 16, 21, 19.....??? *smh*

Now, with all these things I've been seeing & hearing about virginity, I had to ask, is virginity a bad thing now??

I mean, I may have been hiding under a rock somewhere for a bit, so I didn't get the memo notifying the world that it's a bad thing to be a virgin. I remember in secondary school, the dudes  who were getting laid already would look at us (yes, I was a virgin when I got outta secondary school) & call us virgins like we had leprosy or something. Of course, there were some anti-clockwise idiots who'd been celibate from birth that'd be making mouth as well, but those bonkons are rather unimportant. They're as useless a burglary proof without bars...

/Panda! Was that really necessary??? *smh*\

....moving on....

When did it become wrong for a girl or guy to be 21 & a virgin? When did it become something to be embarrassed about? What gives anyone the right to mock another person cos he/she hasn't started shagging??

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to argue about the morality of virginity, & how it's a good thing to keep your "virtue" till marriage. Go meet your pastor if you wanna hear that. Neither am I gonna pretend and use the "sex is over-rated" line. That's bullshit. Sex gets fantastic with practice, & when you both know what each other wants. So, I generally tell my friends that are still V's that they can do what they want. But they shouldn't let anyone pressure them.

I mean, it's all about choice isn't it? Some people actually want to stay virgins till they get married. I have a friend, who's 28, & I shit you not, has more game than any other guy I know. & I mean any guy...like I wouldn't advise you to leave your girl around him for your own safety...But he's a V... No joke. He's deliberately refused to have sex. He says he wants to save it for marriage. He's lost 2 girlfriends cos he refused to shag em.

So what do you say about that kinda dude?

I, personally don't see anything wrong with a person who chooses to remain a virgin, & I think anyone who harrasses another person - male or female - for being one should be strung up by the nipples & sold into slavery. :-|

Ok that's a bit much. But being serious. If you go around abusing people, & mocking them cos they don't get laid, I somehow doubt you're getting any yourself. #JustSaying.

So, in the words of the brilliant poet Goerge Watsky (look him up on YouTube), "This is for everyone who couldn't get it, didn't want it, or had it, but gave it back!" There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. If that's what you want, be proud. & if it's lack of opportunity that's worrying you, well......your turn sef go come one day...

And if anyone tries to make you feel bad cos you're a virgin, look em straight in the eye and tell em, "Panda says it's okay to be a virgin!"

#ThatIsAll.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

Grenades, Scapegoats, & Other Measures of Madness.

Lately, Bruno Mars is one of my favorite singers. (I can just see some of the chics reading this. You've seen Bruno Mars & you're happy like a puppy  with two tails.)

Anyways, Bruno Mars. That dude's voice is....AMAZING! It's hard to describe. And of course, he has some good song writers that write with him (What? You were thinking he writes all his songs alone? Sorry to disappoint you) so, when you have the dude singing songs like "Just The Way You Are", you know that's talent you're hearing right there.

But there's one song in particular I'm thinking about.

"Grenade"

That song seems to have caused a lot of problems for gentlemen all around me. That buffoon of a boy that's always wearing cap up & down decided to go & sing "I would catch a grenade for ya, throw my head on a blade for ya, I'd jump in front of a train for ya....." I think we all know how the lyrics to this song go.

Now, according to @SNN_Headlines, women have now started requiring their husbands, boyfriends and toasters to perform acts of intense madness - such as catching grenade - in order to prove their love for them.

Well, as an unrepentant member of the "Single & Wayward" community (along with some of my brothers such as @mr_1saac, @ThePervNerd, @amosquito4eva, @NanuDiei, @shollylolly & co), this recent disturbance doesn't disturb me. I mean, any girl that is expecting me to catch grenade for her... *pauses for a minute to laugh like a mad man* ... I'm telling you ehn, I go first off all my cloth before I start to dey swear for the half bag of goat!

But really, nowadays, guys are always very afraid to be around women when that song starts playing. A friend of mine got dumped two weeks after the song came out. Two weeks! His girlfriend came to see him one day, dressed in the sexiest dress he'd ever seen. She came in, cooked for him and all.. this dude was wondering what was going on. But well, he saw his girl, a lot of good food - good sex & good food - *smh* the poor fool never even saw anything coming. One minute he was asking "innocently", why she was being so nice to him that day, the next thing he knew, (according to him) it had turned to her shouting & asking what he'd do for her to prove his love,& would he catch a grenade for her? Now, my poor friend hadn't heard the song at this point, & he hadn't the foggiest what this girl was talking about. So of course he laughed and asked, "Why in God's name would I wanna do that?"

That was how, ladies & gents, this dude pressed the proverbial mad woman's breast (while ensuring that he'd never again touch his girlfriend's breasts). The poor guy ended up wearing all the good food that she cooked for him, along with some makeup that looked very much like five fingers laid very neatly across both cheeks.

I felt so sorry for the guy, that I decided to get Bruno Mars' album, & listen to the song myself. By the way, "Doowops and Hooligans" is a really good album..

But you see, being the kind of guy that I am, I listened to the song very well, to try & understand this new source of male sorrow. I listened to it, and I realized something that most babes have conveniently decided to forget. The end of the chorus goes: "Yes I would die for you baby, but you wouldn't do the same."

Interesting ain't it? Isn't it quite easy for womenfolk to neglect that part of the song???

The entire song, from the very beginning is about a babe that was just using our guy to catch trips. The dude was there being a mugu in love, meanwhile the babe was using him to play. Part of it goes "Gave you all I had & you tossed it in the trash". Doesn't this seem very familiar to somebody reading this??

And have you seen the video to the song?? Oya lemme narrate it for you, just in case you've been hiding under a rock for the last few months.

So, the basic plot of the video is that, Bruno is dragging a piano somewhere. We're not totally sure where. All we know is, that piano is heavy, & this dude has attached ropes to it, & he's dragging it. He takes it across many roads, over a bridge...he sha drags it. At some point, some heavily tattooed guy is yelling in his face, telling him to stop this bullshit, amongst other things (at least so I presume, since we couldn't hear what the dude was saying). You know what that reminds me of? It reminds me of myself. Telling one of my guys to free a babe cos she was just using him to catch trips. It reminds me of every guy who's ever, in the spirit of "Bro-hood" ever tried to warn his guy, but ended up ignored.

Anyways, so he finally drags the piano to the front of a house, & this fine chic comes out to the window, but she doesn't see him. It's obvious that he dragged the piano to play for her, cos a smile lights up on his face as soon as he sees her. And just as he's about to sit & play, some dude joins the babe at the window, & she turns round and gives him some quality frenching!

Shet!!!! I swear I almost died!!! After all the stress, the babe was cheating on him?!?! To say na me ehn, na there we for die! No be say anything o! I for kee everybody there!

But Mr. Mars? He simply turns round, &  starts dragging his piano back. He drags it do a train track, & is hit by a train,  piano & all.

Now, I'm sure we all know someone (cos I'm sure nobody's ever going to admit to being a mugu once upon a time) who was like Mr. Mars at some point. Some babe was always using him to do anyhow. Meanwhile, this dude was forming lover man all over town.

Is this what our women are trying to do to us???

I wee not gree o! Ehen!

Any girl that wants me to catch grenade for her, & is not ready to chop at least two bullets for me, is a  big joker. Ahan! Kilode?!?

In this 2011, there shall be no grenade catching for anybody. In fact, if them throw stone sef I wee not catch. In fact, as I told one babe that asked me about grenade catching, "I can help you hold the grenade pin. You keep the rest." *hiss* .....That regular thing that babes do when, they'll enter the club & be talking anyhow to some dude. When gbege come bust, na me them go come meet say "Panda did you see what that guy did? Panda do something! Panda is this how you'll let him disrespect me?" Mehn babe you're completely on your own o! I no fit go swallow panadol for you after you carry your own head go knack for ground!

And I blame all these ridiculous expectations on those singers. They'll sit down & write one silly song so that they can sell. Meanwhile, they forget that they're putting the rest of us in trouble. I mean, even D'Banj sef is guilty. Now women don dey find "scapegoat" up & down. Me I cannot be anybody's scapegoat o! Don't go and dull o.

Anyways sha. This is just a disclaimer o. In 2011, if you're looking for a scapegoat, or somebody that'll catch grenade for you, don't look at Panda o....you've definitely come to the wrong place.

Please, fellas. Look very well at the girl you're proclaiming love for o! If she's using your head anyhow, open your eyes o! Don't bring that bullshit "love is blind" nonsense in 2011. Let your love wear glasses if it has to. Before you will go and catch grenade for nothing. Ladies, I advise you to do this as well...

Ehen..

Disclaimer: If at any point in time, I actually told you that I would do anything of the foolish sort for you, I must have been drunk, stoned out of my mind, or possibly both. And statements made under the influence can not be held against me in the court of law...at least I don't think so.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

It's 2011....now get over yourself.

Yes.

This is exactly as it sounds. It's a new year and I'm  tired of the bullshit. I usually don't make new year resolutions, but I decided to make only one. If anyone is gonna use me to catch trips just so that they can do me a favour, I. Will. Not. Beg. You.

See, I may be an ass more often than not. I may be quite sarcastic most of the time. Maybe it's because people that should've been "friends & family" have at one point or the other let me down. So now I've been disillusioned as regarding the "kind nature of mankind". But at the base of it, I'm still a nice guy to people when it counts. I don't put anyone on some long trips when they ask me for a favour. If I can, I do. If I can't, I simply say so. What I do not do, is make people look stupid just cos they've come to me for help. I treat people with a certain level of respect, & I will not accept any less, from ANYONE.

If you know me, be warned. If I come to you for help, it's because I have some form of faith in your abilities, & I feel we're at a point where I can come to you for stuff. Ergo, I do not expect you to treat me like a beggar o. If you can't help me, say so. If you can, then please do & don't fuck about.

Okay? Bye.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

The Naija Blonde.

I JUST CAN'T ANYMORE!!!!!

I'm really confused. What is it with girls, who think that their pretty faces give them an excuse to be all daft???

These days, the term for a lot of girls (I'd call them women, but that'd be an insult to real women so…) in Lagos is "Naija Blonde". Cos mehn, the level of stupidity among them is frightening! And speaking about being blonde, has anyone noticed how many "girls" these days, refer to themselves as "Black Barbie"???

I'm a bit confused here. Is it that most of these girls don't realize that one of the biggest qualities that Barbie had/has been the fact that the light bulb on her mental porch wasn't particularly bright??? She always had to run to "Ken" for help (who in my opinion was just as dimwitted for being in a relationship with such an expired carton of unintelligence). Why in the name of everything holy would anyone want to be the "black version" of that??? I don't get it!!!

Case: So this very pretty girl walks into the library – It's that section of the library where people can bring in their laptops, so they can browse and get their work done – So, I'm looking like, hmmm…who's this pretty young thing??? Thankfully, I'm looking real fly in this lilac shirt and purple paisley tie, so I look her straight in the eye & say hi with a smile on (anyone notice the rhymes?? J)

First of all, the olodo of a child barely even says hi back. That one irritated me right away! I mean me!!! Na wa o…wharris going on in this life??? Anyways, so she brings her laptop in, and - after doing me anyhow – she asks if I can help her sort out her connection. This is the conversation that follows:

Dumb Girl: Hey, em, please could you help me? I wanna connect my lappy.

Panda: O. No wahala. That dude over there is sharing a wifi connection.

DumbGirl: (With a confused look on her face) A what?

Panda: A wifi connection.

DumbGirl: (Looks even more confused) ehn??

Panda: (An exasperated look on my face) a wireless connection.

DumbGirl: O. So how do I get it?

*I point at the laptop that's connected to the LAN port*

DumbGirl: But there's no-one there!

Panda: I mean… (Another exasperated look shows up) I mean the connection is being shared off that pc. Oya turn on your wifi.

DumbGirl: My what??

*my head is starting to hurt*

Panda: The wireless on your laptop dear.

DumbGirl: Oh. (With a look that says the light bulb on her mental porch has finally reached half current) alright then.

//two minutes elapse as she attempts to turn on her pc & put on her wifi.//

DumbGirl: Ok it's on. What should I do now?

*I'm trying my best to not tell her to carry the laptop and use it as a tray in her house, since she obviously lacks the requisite intelligence to use it properly.*

Panda: Search for a network. It's called ******

//Two minutes later//

DumbGirl: I can't find it o!

Panda: Is your wifi on??

DumbGirl: Yes it is.

*O for fuck sake!!! I get up*

Panda: Oya bring it.

Now, would you believe that this idiot hadn't turned on her wifi?!?!?!

Panda: But your wifi isn't on!

DumbGirl: O……sorry….thank you sha.

*sigh*

At this point in time, all possible attraction that may have existed on a mental level (which in some instances is more important than the physical) has been blasted with a disintegration ray gun. And she's beginning to look less pretty. I mean, it's hard to find someone attractive when you keep seeing donkey ears on their head…

I just can't.

@imMiSsChYliB (an intelligent female friend of mine) told me that some women think that behaving dumb will make guys a bit more attracted to them. Like, a guy is gonna pick a chic that looks like Rosario Dawson but with the brain of a 2 year old kid with Down's Syndrome, over a simple, somewhat attractive but not jaw dropping woman, who is intelligent and has her wits about her.

Really?? Is that what these girls are being taught in that "secret school" which we men have no idea exists??? If that's what they teach, then mothers better go and collect their money back o! They are being scammed!!!

There is not one guy alive, who would do such an intensely brainless thing. The only way that would happen, was if all he was interested in was a quick shag or two. And if possible, no cuddling afterwards.

A dumb girl that's always in need of help spells only one thing: L.I.A.B.I.L.I.T.Y (spell it with me people). And the last time I checked, we fellas don't want those, we want assets (& by this I don't just mean big behinds, even though that may be a plus)

So let me clarify. We do not like dumb women. Being stupid will only attract niggas that'll shag you & then leave. Every real man (and I say "real" cos there's a lot of fake fools out there) wants a woman with a good head on her shoulders; who will be able to handle herself when there's some kinda trouble. We wanna be your shoulder to lean on, not to be carrying the full weight that comes with a wooden head!

So please, ladies, be pretty. But in all your getting pretty, please get smart as well. Remember that you attract to yourself, people that are a reflection of the kind of person that you are. So, if the only dudes that wanna date you are dumb niggas………

#ThatIsAll.

Christmas Abi?

Yes, it's Christmas. So fuck what?

Ok, that's probably not a good way to start. I mean, it's the day of the birth of the Baby Jesus. And if you actually believe that, then you have a serious problem. December 25th was not the day Jesus was born. In fact, I don't imagine that anyone alive knows exactly what date he was born. The 25th of December was simply picked by the Roman Catholic church to mark his birth.

Ok, so it's a day to "mark" the birth of Jesus. Fine then, let's move on.

Today's been quite irritating for me. Some would expect that I'd be all ecstatic cos it's the first Christmas in 10 years that my mom's gonna be around for Christmas, but honestly? Everyone, & by everyone I mean everyone, is irritating me. From my old man to my sis. They're all pissing me off. Honestly, all I would like right now, is to sit with a few friends, smoke some really good weed, have a few laughs, & be happy.

But maybe that's just me whining. I know that there's people that would kill to be me right now. So I'm definitely grateful for what I've been given. But I am also quite human. So forgive me if my attitude is shitty.

I stopped saying "Merry Christmas" a few years ago. At some point, I realized that saying that was just a bloody lie, cos honestly, ain't nothing merry bout these last few Christmases...so these days, I say "Christmas to you". You want anything more?? I can help you find a transformer to hug.

Anyways, dinner's in a couple of hours...hopefully, I'll be able to get some pot for my cousins & I to have a lil after dinner bake.

So, good reader, Christmas to you. Hope you got what you wanted for Christmas (I didn't get shit).

Nighttime Reflections…

So….today was…interesting.

I think today was probably the most indecisive I've had in a long time. So, originally, my plan was that I'd go to that whole Lekki/Ajah area today; I'd go to Le Beau's office to say hi & pick him up, then we'd go visit Angulu, who I hear is real sick. Then I'd drop off Le Beau at his office & go to Phase 1 to meet up with Kite, go say hi to my friend Eniola (who I haven't seen forever), and the we'd all go meet up with Serial Licker & share a joint together… that, was the plan (quite a lot of things abi??)

But then I woke up this morning, & I remembered that it was Lekki I was planning to go to. One word: TRAFFIC!!!! So, as I get outta bed, with another plan: Lekki, on Saturday. Today, I'll go get a haircut & chill with the fellaz, so tomorrow I can hang out with Maggie…

So I call Maggie & ask her if we're seeing tomorrow & she says she can't make it, how about Saturday? Okay to be honest, we'd already agreed on Saturday, but I was just trying to wyne her into coming tomorrow. So I figure, well, I'll shift Lekki till next week & see Maggie on Saturday. So I'm still gonna hit Ikeja today.

Next thing, Little Vixen sends a DM asking when we're going on a date….and just like that, this Panda that has been complaining that he's broke, is making plans for a movie & ice – cream… when Maggie called & I told her I was at Ozone, I was honestly as surprised as she was…

Speaking about my date, that's the first date I've been on in God knows how long. Little Vixen & I get along quite well over the phone, so I wasn't surprised that we got along in person. We started out by playing some video game - Mortal Combat VS DC (Beautiful combat game by the way) – where I totally kicked her ass. I had to let her win one round…you know…just to be a gentleman (chai, if she should read this blog I'm in trouble!) but the fact that she actually plays video games, and combat games and all is such a huge turn on for me…it's so crazy…

So we go get our tickets, she wants to see the new Harry Potter movie. That's aight. I wanted to see Tangled though… :-D… So we watch the movie, & it was cool…we were all cozy & stuff….

Mehn…giving a minute by minute narration of a date is work o! Me I'm tired joh! The point is sha that I enjoyed it! Wouldn't mind going out with her again. & since she said the next one is on her, I'll definitely take her up on that.

So yeah….I had a good day. Despite my whole bit of indecisiveness. It was really fun hanging out with Little Vixen. She's a touchy, feely person like me so there was no weirdness….anyways, I had a good day up until….*sigh* I'm not going to talk about it. I don't see the point in talking about something that's past, & cannot be changed. What's done is done.

Anyways, I just thought I'd do a lil' "Dear Diary" bull shit…I need to work on memorizing a poem I'm supposed to do at Chill & Relax on Sunday… let's get to it!

After a Minute

It's been quite a bit…

I've written a few blogs which I'd planned to post up, but they all seem so past tense to me. Maybe if I'd taken my time out to put them up as they were happening, it would have been alright. But well, let's move on to the present. There's no better time than that is there?

So, what's been going on? This weekend was a very….eventful one I should say… starting off with Saturday, I finally got my tattoo. It's my mom's name, inked across my left wrist. Thanks a lot to Dawn for that birthday present…. But of course, that story has a bit of K leg…. Thanks to my friend Kite, I got really, really high on Friday night. Yes….really high. So high that, when I went to get my ink done, I totally forgot to tell the dude precisely how I wanted it done. So….it's not like I don't like it. It just looks….somewhat outta place. Vanity said she doesn't like it. She thinks it's messy… and while she may be right, perfection isn't as important to me as is the reason for the tattoo, which is my old lady. I will be getting a lil' something added to it though. Something to give it a bit more structure…. & yes Vanity, I will be using a different guy this time…As soon as I can find the extra cash for it, it'll be done. And no, I won't be putting up a pic of it till it's all done and healed properly.

Moving on…… Saturday night came, & with the late night came things I didn't expect. Discussions regarding my behavior and manner of conducting myself, and discussions about my total lack of regard for her feelings. Then came the question which I didn't expect to hear, and with the answer that came out not to harm, but to be truthful, came a torrent of pain and emotion.

What was I expected to do? Stay in the same place? That really couldn't happen. So I'm trying to move on as best as I can. To cut off ties to the memories and thoughts that keep me awake at night and leave me unhappy, close to tears, missing that which once was. That which was taken from me without even prior notice; one minute it was there, the next minute my heart was splintered all over the floor between the doors of my hostel dorm & my neighbor's door. I did, I have done, & I still do what I can to struggle through. Having to place a cold box where my heart should be just to stay alive and looking for anything to fill up a soul gone hollow with the evaporation of faith in everything beautiful…

But I don't need to explain myself. In fact, I won't. I gave a lot of warnings, I guess now the realization comes to bear. I don't even mind if I'm hated if it'll help her move on. All I want is that she does. Cos, me and her, I don't see it anymore. I wish I did, but I look at me, and the changes is my life, the changes in my perceptions and expectations; and then I look at her, and realize that she's still that same person. She still shoulders the same responsibilities, still wants the same things…it wouldn't work.

Took a while for me to finally come to this conclusion… *sigh*…so now I'm just trying to do me. I don't want anything else. That's all. Nothing extra, no added preservatives, just me.

Does that make me unkind? Or unfair? Or uncaring?