The Morning's Musings--- It's Been A While

So it's 5AM, & I'm blogging. I ask myself what precisely I have to write about….Nothing that I can actually place my mind on. The last few days since my last post have been totally different from everything that I'm used to. I'm not so sure that I can start talking about them all.

I'm scratching my head while my old man is outside my door, doing…..whatever that man does when he wakes up at this hour of the morning. Sometimes that man amuses me with the things he does. Like the way he dresses sometimes. You'd think he was still trapped somewhere in the 1970's... Sometimes, he annoys me intensely. & really, when I say intensely, do not be fooled into underestimating the gravity in which I actually use that word. Sometimes he upsets me intensely in his ways. The things he does and says. He talks like he doesn't realize the effects of words. For a man that's been a pastor for so long, & now an "elder" in the church, you'd think he would be more careful the way he treats his family….ah well….

I've often said that the man's biggest problem was that he didn't have his first child till he was 40+…I mean, if the whole thing about you been a fool at 40 stands true, then how do you become malleable like you're supposed to be when there are kids in the equation??? Mehn….enough tears have been shed over spilled milk.

But you know, sometimes, he inspires me. I look at how hard he works, how much attention to detail he puts in over things that ordinarily shouldn't matter. How he can create a state of almost perfection in his circumference of specialty & I say to myself, this is how I need to be. I think I've learned a lot from him. I've learned that hard work does pay. I've learned that there is dignity in labour. That, took me quite a while to learn I'll honestly say…

I wish that, in inheriting character from him as I ripen with age, that I could take the good things that I admire about him, & leave all the things that annoy me…. Well, I guess we'll just have to wait & see now won't we. Someone told me that it's something I'm going to have to really pray about. Well, it's actually that important to me…. I'll do what I can…

Anyways, so I'm awake…maybe I should go back to bed…sleep showed up easier before 12AM thanks to a dose of vodka & mango juice. Albeit it sounds like a weird combo, truth is that it actually worked for me quite amazingly. I never expected that it'd taste so nice… so I went to sleep & missed a call from….let's call her A for now k??? I missed a call from A… what's the story behind me & A??? hmmm….I wonder if I'll ever get to actually tell you…

Okay, so now that I have a bit of respite from the need to write, I'll try to go back to sleep…maybe I'll watch the trailer for Thor first…it had better be a good movie. The trailer looks fantastic…

I'm sure I'll have itchy fingers again sometime soon….till then, live free.

Speaking in Abstract.

.....

I've been...blog reading. I came across stuff that shocked, and....well, let's not get into how I felt by what I read.

All my life, I've tried to do the right thing, regarding my relationship with women. Somehow or the other, I wasnt able to get it right this time. I...won't start to talk specifically now. It seems to me like my speaking in abstract terms suits me just fine, and the people who read this blog and are meant to understand, will understand.

I've been called a lot of things. A lot of things have been said about me. I will not try to defend myself.

Someone told me, once, that in a relationship which is being dissolved, the person who wields power isnt actually the one who makes like everything is ok. The one who wields power is the one who is supposedly not handling things well.

It hurts, when people who are supposed to know better, say things about you that are just....crazy. on friday, two people who i thought would know better, told me not to go on a rebound spree...me. Adeyemi? I was so pissed. Now, I read stuff about my actions in this blog and...I don't even know what to say....

Now, I've decided. I cannot let this power over my life linger.

I loved... I loved with all my heart, and soul, and mind. I did everything to keep that love. That love....left. It cannot be brought back. And for my own safety and peace of mind, I've decided to let it go. I said I would always be there....this is true. I was told that...it wouldn't happen again...6 months after the last time...but it did...so what are we saying?

I'm saying that, some situations are beyond my control. I'm saying, that I cannot continue to do this. Let it be said that Adeyemi Adebayo Babajide Gabriel Ishola Fatona is a soulless bastard who was just lying through his teeth. Let that be said. I...will not do this anymore.

This Panda is done.

Ps. Congratulations. You've succesfully chased me away.

Location : Kosofe, Lagos,

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Location : Kosofe, Lagos,

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The High Horse Called Judgement.

A few years ago, in one of the many wisdom enriching conversations I've had with a particular friend of mine, he told me that he'd finally understood why his old man had cheated on his mom. At that point in time, I thought he was out of his fricking mind. I mean, the idea of cheating on a partner just seemed so absurd to me. I thought I was in a position where I could judge. I had this self righteousness thing going on, where I was always saying that i could never cheat and all that...

A few years down the line, and two or three girlfriends later, (not like I consider any of my exes as just numbers, in fact, they've each had a special place in my life, & I still mourn the loss of Tutu...) any ways, I've still never cheated on a girlfriend, & I still maintain that it's wrong. But I've come to realize that, it's not easy. Nothing is ever as simple as we make it out to be.

Someone told me once, that when she was much younger, in secondary school and stuff, that she never had any qualms about doing the right thing. Like, it was never even an argument. It was always just a natural instinct. I've seen that person in a dilema. Where she's had to be begged to do the right thing.

*sigh*

Point in case, I've realized that we can never look on our selves as being better than anyone. For any reason whatsoever. I saw a younger friend of mine doing something that was totally unfair to a female friend of mine. And I thought to myself, "that is so fricking selfish. This boy has disappointed me". But this weekend, I found myself in that same position with another girl. And, it took a lot of talking to myself, & a lot of talking to other people who would possibly have an influence on the decisions I make, to put my head in the right place so that I wouldn't let my body make decisions for me, and ruin a friendship that has taken quite a long while to craft properly. And I'm not saying that what I'm doing right now is the right thing, but at least I've made the effort to be honest to this girl, and lay out all the cards. But! I've also realized, that in the case of this my young friend, that it was simply easier for him to just think about himself. It was simply easier.

I wrote in one of my previous blogs, that the fact that I see that there is something fundamentally wrong in the way we human beings do our things, and the things we accept as normal practice, the fact that I see this puts me on a higher echelon than the average human being. I still think that is the truth. & I still believe that, even though I can see it, my inability to figure it out makes me human. That, I've come to see more clearly.

We're all human beings. Never judge people, 'cos you never know what you would do if you were thrown in that situation. Never say, "O! I could never do that!" Or "What is (s)he thinking?! That's just so wrong!!" Or anything of the sort. 'Cos you never really know if it can happen to you.

I guess, as for me, I'm gonna keep trying to maintain myself. I'm gonna keep trying to stay on that upper echelon. But now, I can see the bottom. I can see how easy it would be to fall. So I'll ba a bit more careful.

No one said that because you're on an upper echelon, you have to stay on a high horse....abi?

Location : Kosofe, Lagos,

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Off The Top.

The effects of the decisions we make are usually entirely out of our hands. A lot of the times, we may be able to predict what those effects are, but we just won't be able to decide how the exact flow of events will turn out.

I lost something very important to me. But now, I've refused to take it back. Not because I don't want to, but because I can see the potential effects of what could happen. Yes, I know I'm speaking abstractly.

What do I do?

Location : Kosofe, Lagos,

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Thoughts From A Maverick's Perspective

My world really revolves around the beauty of disarray.

Often called madness, I prefer to term it "organized chaos".

I live day to day trying to make sense of it all, why everything turns out the way it often does has always been a marvel to me.

But is it supposed to make sense?

Are we supposed to understand?

Maybe the fact that I can see this supposed shift in the balance of how everyone thinks things are supposed to be, puts me on a higher echelon in my mind, then I guess the fact that I can't seem to make sense of it is what keeps me human, and at times, sane.

I've been called arrogant by a few, full of shit by someone else (I love you too Oyé).

I prefer to point out that I see myself the way I would like to, and more to the point,the way I am. Not how the rest of society would have me percieve myself.

I'm a maverick, a non conformist. Call it what you will.

It's all a matter of perspective.

Why am I writing when I should be studying?

I've begun to believe that a portion of my soul resides at the tips of my fingers,

And the only way that portion finds release is when I write.

The way of the flying pen is the path I've chosen to follow.

Location : Ogun,

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Memories of Childhood and Teenage Years Lost: The Free Spirit

Grain by grain, my memories trickle like sand onto the page.

I like to believe that I had quite an interesting childhood. I mean, it wasn't like the kid rockstar life that every little foetus growing in its mother's womb dreams about having, but it had its perks. I grew up with a mother that loved me as much as life itself, and was never afraid to show it.

Sometimes, when I talk to my mother, she tells me how I put many a gray hair in her head. It always cracks me up... but in her defense, I'm quite sure I was quite the handful.

When I think about it, I could say I was a normal sort of child, if children can ever be called normal. I did the sort of crazy stuff children were prone to do.

I remember when my family still used to live in VI. There were times my folks would go out, and when they were going, they'd tell the house help not to let me leave the house... you know how parents are... it wasn't like they were trying to lock me up or anything... I think at that point, being the combustible little rat I was, they were just afraid I'd hurt myself if I was left to run around...

Anyways, so they'd leave instructions not to let me out of the house, but I'd always find a way to sneak out and go play Sega games at Charles Grant's place. I remember the day I found out I could successfully climb down the balcony without hurting myself. It was like I'd found out that I was Spiderman or something. It became something I did all the time...

In retrospect now, I think that, even at such a young age (no, I don't remember how old I was) I had a spirit that just refused to be caged. Not like I didn't like chilling at home or anything, it was just the idea that I couldn't leave the house that stirred up some form of rebellion in me I guess.

One particular day, I was climbing down (or was it back up??) the balcony, when my mom came back, in time to see me fall...

What a scream...

Why am I suddenly remembering all these things??? I don't know... maybe I just need to put down these events in my head...

Memories of my childhood, and the teenage years lost...

Location : E 1, Loburo,

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Hypocritical Christianity: Guilty???

It's funny how, people can totally forget about God, and just live life how they want to. But then, when trouble, or a battle shows up, they remember Him.

I'm not excluded from this gang of individuals. For the last two months, I've been fighting with God. I've been upset with him for taking something so precious away from me. Kinda like the way a kid gets vexed at his mom for taking away his favourite toy, and he screams out how much he hates her (well...na only oyinbo pikin dey get that kind liver) and all that stuff. But when wahala lands, the child runs back to hide behind her skirt.

That's kinda the way I've been. Upset with God, ranting and raving and all that stuff, but now, I started my exams on Tuesday and guess who I ran right back to? Yep, you got it!!

But does this make me hypocritical? I mean, does it mean I don't have the right to be right there with the people who've been more consistent with Him? I mean, I know the Bible says we shouldn't continue in sin, with the thought that Grace will abound, but that grace is there isn't it?

I don't know. I was at this worship thing that we usually do when exams are going on, and I thought to myself, I haven't been to morning devotion this entire semester, and have only been to church three times this semester. Does it make me a hypocrite? Am I mocking God and the grace He chooses to grant my life?

I don't know...I hope I find the answer I'm looking for sooner than later... maybe it's just guilty conscience that's worrying me...

Location : Ogun,

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