The Inner Masochist

It's funny how, sometimes, we just refuse to learn. We see the results of the bullshit we're about to get ourselves into, but with just a (possibly non existent ) glimmer of hope, we behave like fools. We put ourselves through stuff that could've been avoided, mental stress, heartache......and all for what? If it was so obvious from the first instance that what you were about to do was a bad idea, then why did you get into it in the first place? There was obviously a part of your rational thinking mind that rang the alarm...what happened? Why didnt you pay attention, save yourself the misery. Save yourself having to think to yourself, "What the hell was I thinking???"

I'm starting to believe that in every human being, there's an element of masochism. Whether it's physical or not. Whether, like me, you like a little bit of pain, or you actually like to cause yourself emotional torture. We all, every single one of us, like to torture ourselves...

But why? Do we get some form of pleasure by seeing ourselves like this? I sincerely hope not. As i type this, I'm sitting in a car, waiting for a babe who has started to piss me off again. I spent the night with her, safe to say that nothing, at all, turned out the way I planned.. it was like, everything that could go wrong, did. And I knew that there was a very good chance that something wrong would happen. It was just.....I don't even know what it was. I guess a part of me just hoped this time would be different. But it wasn't. And just like clockwork, I'm  irritated. And her attitude doesn't help matters. If anything, it makes it worse. And now, she's asking me if I'm "okay"...this is funny.

But I did this to myself. I could've done me. The way I always do me. Maybe I'd have been good if I didn't have any expectations. In a way, I'm starting to realize that, before you can get to the point where you actually trust a person to the point where you can expect anything from them on any issue, it takes quite a lot of self proving.

A lot of people think I'm a douchebag when I tell them that I don't go out searching for friends, and anyone that wants to be friends with me will have to prove themselves to be worth my time. But in my defense, I've come to realize that I'm actually good peoples. And more often than not, if anyone's gonna screw up, it's not gonna be me. And I've gotten my hopes up about people so many times, only to be disappointed.

Sometimes, I wish I could explain myself philosophically the way my bro Remy does...lol... I'd give some quote by someone really confounding...

But the truth of how I feel right now, is that I could've avoided being in a shit mood right now. And as with all people, pain can usually easily be avoided. But do we ever listen to that voice inside that's telling us "No man!!! Don't do it!!!" ? No we don't. 'Cos deep down, in everyone of us, we just wanna be able to hope against hope, that everything'll be ok. Even when we know that if they don't turn out okay, we're in for a shit load of pain, or anger, or disappointment... and we also know that the chances of things going ass up are higher than the chances of it being aight...but we frigging do it anyways...we do it because..shit..... I have no idea why we do it. Maybe we like hurting ourselves...maybe deep inside, there's a masochist lurking in everyone of us...

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The Morning’s Musings

6:22 am.

Fantastic. I woke up this morning at precisely 6 am, thanks to the alarm on my phone blasting out Sean Paul's "Breakout". Believe me, the sound of that Jamaican dude's voice is enough to wake anyone up. I take in a waking breath, thinking I'm gonna twist and turn (yes, yes, I'm not going running, so sue me), and go back to sleep…GOOD GOD!!! What is that smell??? It's the smell of concentrated ammonia (otherwise related to urine) thanks to this no water issue…

I don't really wanna start this blog by complaining but in all honesty and actuality, people… I am fed.

We've had a case of water scarcity in this my "great, esteemed, and private" university since last week Thursday. Isn't it time that the bloody pipelines were fixed??

I will not get upset, I will not get upset, I will not get upset… **taking a deep breath**

Anyways, so it's a new dawn, it's a new day, all that stuff. Yesterday was my best friend's (Onochie Ifedebe) birthday. Happy belated to his silly ass… and if you were wondering why, if I said I was gonna make this a series, I didn't put up an update yesterday, it was 'cos in all honesty, I didn't know what to write…yes. I suffer from repeat incidents of writer's block quite a lot of the time. And if you haven't read my last update (came up Monday night), it's called "My Pen Forsakes Me". It's generally a lament about the problems of writer's block. Dedicated to all my friends that are writers themselves (Laide Olabode, Sista Soul, Tosyn B *& the rest of her*, Adebola Rayo…)

So this morning, I remember how fragile life can be. I've lost quite a number of really good friends over the last few years, and believe me, it's quite a painful experience. So, I'm grateful to God for sparing Laide's life last weekend. Some silly sod almost mowed her down… she's gonna be alright though… that her big head was just too big to be broken so easily (lol), get totally better soon babes.

Speaking about accidents and death, Dagrin was in a real bad accident last weekend, and as Nigerians are prone to do, the rumors were just flying all over town like witches flying at night. By Saturday evening (thanks to my friends on the BlackBerry Network) I was hearing that the dude was dead, and by Sunday morning, I heard the dude was in a coma. Na wa o… do people really have to spread rumors like this? I mean, has it become like a national pastime or something? I think Ice Prince said on twitter that he wishes death on the people spreading rumors about Dagrin's death. Even though I feel that was a little bit intense, it's just that these people self, their own don too much! If you don't have anything good to say, please keep quiet!!! I'm not particularly a Dagrin fan or anything, but he is a human being, and I think he lives (or used to live) in Magodo, so I wish the brother a speedy recovery…

Sundays @ The Bay comes up this weekend (woop woop!!!!), and if you've never been for one of 'em, this month would be a good month to show up. Especially cool is that the venue is changing this month. Usually, it's done either at Alpha Beach, or at Takwa Bay, but this month, it's gonna be at…. Where's it gonna be at again?? Oh yeah. It's gonna be at some boat club in Apapa. It's usually quite fun so, if you go for the early service in church on Sundays, and you can make it to our take off point at City Mall by 11am…please show up if you wanna. Just make sure you try to bring something to share with 4 other people (it's all about S. H. A. R. E you know) and leave your forming attitude in the car (it won't be needed where we're going)

Anyways, I have to go iron what I'm gonna wear to school this morning o… the life I'm living…

See y'all later.

B. E. Z.

My Pen Forsakes Me.

My pen forsakes me sometimes.

When I try to reach into the inner recesses of my mind.

The deepest sanctums of my soul.

I try to give expressions to the things that ail me,

The problems I see, but can't actually speak out loud, what they are.

It's not always problems though;

Sometimes it's a plethora of pleasure.

A grand collection of things that make me happy.

They lighten my feet like a deer on steroids.

And sometimes, it's about desires that could drive a normal being wild.

Inner needs which I need to feed upon.

Flesh I wish to touch, to do things that… let's not go down that path…

And sometimes…it's the sadness.

Deep, resonating, sadness.

I think it goes past what they call chronic melancholy.

It's just pure, untouchable, unquestionable, sadness.

Even creativity. That as well goes untouched.

A song that'll never be sung,

A poem that'll never be read.

At this rate I wonder if my soul will ever be heard.

So with this great expanse of emotions that runs rampant in the fields of my inner being

Unseen by the entire world,

I walk to & fro, looking for a way out.

I find a pen and a pad…freedom at last…

But…

It's like trying to jump off a cliff, only to find you still on the ground.

'Cos my pen forsakes me sometimes.

When I need to bleed in order to survive

To yield to this fire that rages within.

But my pen forsakes me.

It will not heed my pleas

Please!!! I beg…

Allow my soul the release of transmogrification.

Let my words be read by people in different locations.

Let me write my spirit,

And empty the vessels of my soul.

Till the pages of this pad are a roaring ocean…

The very notion of a disobedient pen seems so absurd!!!

"Word"? My pen asks me.

And I'm left to watch as it forsakes me.

I'm left to stew in my own juices.

Attempting to seek solace in ways that just won't work.

I cannot speak with my mouth that which my hands wish to bring forth!!!

English people call it "Writer's Block"…

And you may be wondering, why my pen would allow me write about it in such a manner…

Believe me; I have no idea either…

All I know is, sometimes, at times when I wish it would behave…

Sometimes, my pen forsakes me.

The Morning’s Musings

6:14 am..
Ain’t this the weirdest time to be sitting and pounding away at a keyboard??? Yeah… but then you must admit, the award for being the most normal person was never gonna be given to me anyways…lol.
So…it’s past six in the morning, and a lot of random thoughts are running through my rather large cranium…
Why is this my roomie here??? Recently, just the mere sight of him has begun to irritate me… I mean, it’s not like he’s done anything to ME in particular, it’s just that some of his habits are just so irritating… he chews with his mouth open, leaves the entire room in a mess ALWAYS!!! His own idea of cleanliness is a well made bed, clean clothes, well polished shoes, and he’s good to go. H e NEVER tries to clean up the room. I remember when I moved back in at the beginning of the semester… damn!!! The bathroom looked like King Leonidas’ 300 men had all had their baths in their…and the nigga didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with having his bath there… I was on my hands and knees (get your minds ouuta the gutters kids) scrubbing that place in like 5 minutes! And the buffoon had the nerve to then be telling me how he appreciated my coming back and doing stuff like that… “what the hell is wrong with you man”!!!! [ this is what I wanted to yell at him]. “Is this how you live at home???!!!” but I didn’t…. and you know, since that day, one of my other roomies [a more responsible kid who has home training] have cleaned that room so many times…this dude…zilch. And now, the kettle I should be using to boil water this morning, the BAKA (Japanese for idiot, fool, stupid person and a few other things) used it to cook noodles yesterday and didn’t wash it!!!
….people, I’m fed….
Anyways…before I make this all about my annoying roomie, he’s asking me if I wanna go running…and yes, I have been slacking off on the running I must admit… I mean, you guys should give this Panda a break!! I weigh roughly 100kg [give or take a few kg] so running 3500 meters every morning isn’t particularly easy for me. But on this fateful morning though, there’s no water in my hostel. There’s been no water in hostel since Friday. Something about an issue with the mains that needs fixing, so I’ve been fetching buckets of water from quite long distances… kai! N326,000 for school fees, and this is what we’ve been reduced to (check pictures that @lankydiru put on twitter)…so since I have to fetch water, I ain’t going running with him [yes, yes, excuses…bite me!]
Moving on…
She’s writing her last paper this morning… finally she’s free…good for me you know…we get to talk, I don’t have to bully her into reading and all of that…and I have a reason to come home from school this weekend…you know what I mean??
Speaking about me & her…lol…we’ve been getting a lot of silly people on twitter talking about how we’re a cute couple and all…you think we’re over doing it??? Ah well…that’s kinda your biz…lol…
And Twitter…yeah…Twitter’s become so much more interesting for me…a lot of my friends are on there…and there’s the Twiterave.
What’s the Twiterave about? I’m not quite sure yet, but from what I gather, Bold Ent is organizing this Twitter party…and there’s gonna be an awards show!!!! Highest number of tweets?? I think that goes to my girl @Miss_Ikaz easily… Perviest tweep… that’s my homie @ThePervNerd. Tweep with the best TT’s?? I’d give that to @PlaybackGenius [y’all remember the #WelcomeToNigeria trend?? He started that] Most popular Tweep… obviously @exschoolnerd…I don’t think celebrity tweeps can be nominated…that wouldn’t be fair…half the country already knows them…lol… #BeefTweet somebody? And I would nominate my girl @MissGIDI for good rookie, cos she’s not been on for what…two weeks??? And she’s already fully into the twitter rave!!!! Anyways, make sure [if you’re on twitter] you go vote at http://www.boldentertainment.net/twiterave.htm you can vote for me and her as best couple [yeah right]… by the way, if you’re not already following me, @CapoeiraPanda… I’ll try to follow you back once you lemme know k???
Anyways…have other stuff to do this morning…but I like this…maybe I’ll write again tomorrow morning. Who knows?? Till then… later kids!!!

The Rant of An Angry Nigerian!!!

I'm sorry, but I think we Nigerians have our priorities all screwed wrongly. I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with giving to Haiti, but we have our own rather serious problems back home. Thousands of people have lost their homes, their jobs, their family members due to the riots in Jos! Shouldn't we be looking at sorting out relief for them? It just seems funny to me, that our own people are hungry and homeless and being killed!!! Yet we think we should be focusing on another country that has other nations giving them support. How many countries are even trying to help out the people of Jos in Nigeria?
But yet we Nigerians think it's a priority to go "Help Out Haiti"?!
Come on.
I think globalization has blinded us to the truth of things: how can a person give what he does not have? Even in the bible, when asked for alms, the disciple of Christ (his name eludes me at the moment) said: "Silver and gold I have not. But from what I have I give unto you." Even he realized that it was impossible to give what he didn't have. Let's look at all the nations giving to Haiti: America, England, France...countries where their GDP's are not down in the dumps. Countries that can budget $9 billion to their fire departments. Nigeria on the other hand, has none of this. I can bet that even after the earthquake, there's still electricity in Haiti. Nigeria hasn't been faced with ONE natural disaster (we thank God for that) yet we don't have power. We run around shouting lightupnigeria from pillar to post. And as far as being a nation that has no idea as to what priorities are (I even doubt our leaders know how to spell the word) Nigeria just takes the cake.
$1,000,000 donated to Haiti!!!
What the bloody hell??!!
We have people in the Niger Delta that can't get clean water to drink. Expatriates go to the Niger Delta, and all they have to do is carry a carton of Eva water, and the local beauties would lay themselves a their feet. Just so they can get clean water.
The city of Jos was just ravaged by violence. The Naira value of the damage is yet to be assessed. The value of the hundereds of lives lost, is unimaginable. But yet, our government thought it very expedient to give away a million dollars??!! While the people of this country starve?
Someone was talking about how peopl in Haiti are fighting for food. I'm wondering if that's such an amazing thing in Nigeria. There are still some parts of this country, believe it or not, where they don't even know what a hundered naira note is!!!
For the love of God! When do we start getting our priorities straight?!
Giving this money to Haiti, kinda brings to mind how some Nigerians, who won't have any money at all, will scrounge out the last vestiges of cash they have to their name, throw a wedding where people will come, eat, waste food, get drunk, and go home! The next day, digestion has taken its course, and all the plenty money that's been spent is in the sockaway (is that the right spelling?) Or in those dumbass buckets or fans that have been pre-branded. After this big spending, the couple will now have to start managing and scroungin around. All for what??!!!! So that some people would have good impressions about them?
I'm just sick and tired.
And then, there's a group on FaceBook- Operation Positive Nigerian Image- where they're trying to put together something to raise funds for Haiti (or something of that nature)...but yet, there's nothing on the group about helping Jos... Isn't that group supposed to be about helping Nigeria? Well, I'm not so sure I'm surprised. The admin of the group don't even live in Nigeria...
We need to get our priorities straight o... Before you can help others, you need to have things going on well for yourself. I mean, I understand the concept of givving and getting, but this is just ridiculous.
And I'm in no way against Haiti receiving help, but I honestly believe that with all the problems we have, Nigeria is in no position to be giving $1,000,000 worth of help.
I'm tired of ranting. I'm supposed to be reading for exams. Besides, this wasn't how I planned that my first blog of the year would turn out....
Take it easy folks.

The End of 2009...

Time has passed, things have changed. The sun will keep rising and d moon will continue to provide light at night. And as we close our eyes and open them, we realize that not only a day has passed but a new one has come. The beginning of a new day suddenly brings forth a new year...

A new year which we may not be ready for. For are we really ready to let go of the past? To look back on the sucesses and failures of the previous day, of the previous year? And as we hear in our hearts the beckoning of a future we cannot avoid, we realize that the past is just that; the past. So we have past the point where we dilly dally, and tally in hope that what we expected to happen may still come, but we run with hope, looking forward, we take the first step...

..The first step... We have to start by not making New Year resolutions. For a new year doesn't mean a new change? Do we have to wait 365 days to make a difference? Do we have to wait 12months to decide to change 'again'? Do we have to wait a whole year to make things better? The time to change is now...We are d voice of the future...

Besides...everyone knows that New Year resolutions are made to be broken!!! They're just a token of time gone by...a false attempt to attempt to try to make a change. A long range shot at a short range target. Why go so far, when what you want sits under your nose? It could tickle your toes and you still wouldn't recognise it. STAND UP!!! Like Dizzy Rascal said; fix up, look sharp!!!

...fix up, look sharp. Smile and be happy. Be grateful to God for making u experience a new year. Leave a good legacy for whether we like it or not, there's always someone behind walking in your every step, our every move, making the same mistakes we make...

So walk with care...make sure you admit your mistakes to the one who'd learn from you. 'Cos mistakes forgotten are usually repeated. And for those waiting for you to make those mistakes, well...screw 'em. They don't matter anyways. So smile and be happy. Live life like its golden. Hold your girl/man's hand. Stand in strength, and if you fall, get your ass back up. 2010...

...2010... Let's all come together and make that change in this generation. For what we do now is what the generation we create will come to meet... 2010, the year of a positive change. Happy new year people...

By The Capoeira Panda and Olamide Odukoya...

 

2009

Hey 2009.

I must honestly say, you've been a very different sort of year. You've brought things into my life which I didn't expect, and things that I didn't think would be leaving anytime soon... I've said my good-byes to, and I guess they're gone.

 

2009.

When you first began, I didn't exactly lay out a lot of plans, didn't write a seven point agenda of what my life in you was gonna be like, there was no plan to give a 100 day progress report. All I knew was that when you came to an end, I'd have achieved a few things, and I guess some of them...I have.

 

I'm a bit closer to God than I was a year ago, and I think I've learnt about my dependence on him...

 

I've lost a little bit of weight, and my capoeira's better than it used to be.

 

My grades in school aren't too shabby... [Real thanks to God for that]

 

I'm getting to understand that cantankerous old man I call my father, just a little bit better...and to me, that's a heck of an achievement.

 

"She" and I are concretely where we need to be...

 

My friends, are still very important to me, and I think I'm just as important to them [I'd start mentioning names, but I know I'll forget to mention someone and get yelled at, so I won't call names. They sha know themselves....But, I absolutely have to give a shout-out to some of the new friends that you brought into my life 2009. Like Tolu Aiyegbusi, Dammie Adetunji [my BlackBerry], Tosin Owonibi, Melody Alabi, Yoyin Banks....

 

Ahhh....2009....2009...

Through the good and the bad, in you I've grown. My eyes have been opened, and in some ways, my heart has been closed. I've learned to live and let live, and to love without caring; there's nothing worse than losing a love because other people can't accept it. I've learnt to accept the good; I've learnt to concede my faults. Defeat doesn't mean I've been beaten, and I'll grind hard till I get what's mine [big ups Andre Blaze!!!]. Not everyone is worth the time you take out to worry about them, and holding on to anger over those kinda people is totally ridiculous. I've learnt [and I'm trying put into practice] that the truth is actually the best thing to tell. As Aurora Monyei always tells me; "The worst a person can do to you is beat you for telling them the truth".

 

2009.......

I've found strength I never knew I had, weaknesses that I thought were non-existent.

I've found my City Love, and believe me...She is crazy...Not Like Crazy kinda crazy but... You get the point...

 

2009.....

We had a good run 2009. But then, all things must come to an end. I hope I'll have an even better time with 2010, than I had with you...

 

Goodbye, 2009....