The Morning's Musings.

6:45AM

Facing yourself with the truth is never an easy task. Admitting to yourself that you've omitted something, or gone astray in a particular way, can be the  most difficult thing that any man can be asked.

It's so much easier to just sit & stew in feigned ignorance of your wrong doing than to come to terms with it.

Coming to terms means facing the  consequences of what you've done, and admitting to yourself "Yes. This was my fault."

These consequences could be anything. Seeing a former lover in tears, & knowing that her heart is in pieces because of you. Or looking at your CGPA in your final year & realizing, that you'd played away 4 years of your life, & quite a large sum of money. It may even be attempting a workout in Capoeira,& realizing that can't even make it halfway because you've gotten very horribly outta shape... realization could come to you in any number of ways.

But a lot of the time, we choose not to take the high road of admitting the truth. Black Ice said "ignorance is bliss & niggas love this, so they take pride in not knowing."

But the truth is, the truth of your ways will come to you sooner or later. If it doesn't come to you when you're looking in her eyes & seeing the pain you've caused, it'll come to you when you've left a string of shattered souls in your wake, & the curses of these scorned women catch up with you, & you find yourself all alone. It'll catch up with you when you have to show the skill you're supposed to have acquired as a caporista, & you can't, because you're so outta shape, you can barely even do the most elementary of drills.

Whatever it is that we run from, will catch up with us someday. No matter how fast we may try to go.

I decided, a few months ago, to stop running. From everything. Now, I live. I wait. For whatever it is, to come meet me. Some people may look at me & think I'm running from God, but the truth is, I'm tired of this song & dance. Now I watch... will He remember me?? I simply wait.

In other ways, I'll do what I can to manage the concequences of sitting back & watching my stomach evolve into a fluffy ball, & the strength I possessed, fade away... Time to start some workout routine or something...

Face the truth, grow a pair. Set yourself free.

The Need For Knowledge

So, it's the 18^th of September, 2010. This is officially the last weekend I'm supposed to spend in Lagos until Uni closes for Christmas in December. Of course you & I know that is completely impossible, & I'll be back in Lagos as soon as something of interest calls out to me. But that sort of information doesn't really need to be available to everybody now does it.

And it's funny I should say that, because the idea of me concealing information, brings to mind a blog post by Le Beau, where he talked about the strength of information being in the measure & fidelity of it. That actually makes quite a bit of sense. And in truth, information is concealed by different people from people, for a whole mixed up set of reasons. And I'm in no position to judge anyone, because here I am, not telling my dad that from time to time, I may just leave school and come into Gidi to hang out with my boys, or to liaise with some cute girl or the other, or for whatever reason.

So why do people hold back information from each other? To maintain some form of peace of mind? Because of course there's always that old saying "what you don't know won't hurt you." How many of us actually believe that? And what gives any human being the right to decide how much we should know? Human judgment is, most times, quite deficient. And so the choice to keep knowledge from a person may just be an act of unkindness. Example?? Back in the medieval age, the commoners didn't know how to read. They had to live their lives from day to day without the information that would have been able to set them free from bondage, and create a more egalitarian society. At that time, the nobility claimed that it was for "their own good", but of course, we know now that it was simply a way to maintain control over the masses. Ignorance is in truth an open prison.

That being said, if ignorance is an open prison, and the truth supposedly sets you free, then that should mean that everyone is in some form of prison or the other, because at every given point in time, someone, somewhere, is keeping some information from you. For whatever reason it may be.

My dad & I had a bit of an argument yesterday. I told him, that since I got home 3 months ago, if it's not one thing, it's another. He says to me that I should go and check myself then, to "reflect & find" what I'm doing wrong. I asked him, why he doesn't simply tell me what it is I'm doing wrong, & I can sort myself out faster that way. But for reasons best known to him, he decides to leave me in the dark, in this prison of ignorance where I keep messing up & he keeps getting pissed off…

Personally, I wanna know as much as possible. I wanna learn all there is to learn. I wanna know what the real is. Knowledge and experiences are what differentiate me from the next person. So, like Colin Firth said in Dorian Gray, sometimes, it's just about the next experience…the next sensation. The next thing that I didn't know. Thanks to an ex girlfriend, I've developed an even more over active desire for knowing the truth. Even when I know that it may not necessarily do me the least bit of good. But well…it's just one of those things…

Just talking…

So…there isn't a particular theme, yet again. I just feel like talking. You don't even have to read it.

Insomnia has kicked in full throttle again tonight, so all I can do is sit and think about all the stuff that's happened in the last few days.

I went for this artsy kinda show in VI on Sunday called "Chill & Relax". It was quite a bit of fun. My man The Perv Nerd did a real funny piece on "Just Saying", and some dude who's name I have not the foggiest memory of, did a real beautiful piece called "Hope is a Nigerian". Now that was a really good poem.

I, for the first time ever, read out one of my pieces in public. I did "My Pen Forsakes Me". I hoped they liked it sha… anyways, after I did that poem, I kinda started thinking about someone that used to be my friend. We were…so close at some point, & in truth, she was the one who pushed me to write. She always wanted me to write more…and there were times when we'd be awake till God knows what time, just reading stuff to each other. But then, we both got into uni and….drifted away from each other. Anyways, after reading that poem, I realized that I didn't want her to not be a part of my life anymore. There are some friends that should never be lost and for me, she's one of those. So I called her. And told her everything that was on my mind. I basically asked if we could be friends again…I wonder how that's gonna turn out.

Somewhere along the line, I asked her to tell me something totally random that had changed in the last 3 years, & she told me she'd left her boyfriend…that's a story for another time…when she asked me the same question, I told her "I don't love Love anymore. I used to complain that Love didn't love me…but Love showed up. She brought someone, & showed me love. But Love hurt me. Real bad. & now, I don't love Love anymore." I didn't understand how true & heavy what I said was but…now I do…and it's true. But…I won't expound on that sorta sadness…won't help anyone.

Anyways, carried a cake to one of my dad's peoples today…*sigh* the smell of the chocolate was just…way too tempting! Now I want cake…anyone feel like donating 4k to my life??? *sigh*…must have chocolate cake with fudge icing….must…have…

Aahh….I feel sleep calling now….in your face Insomnia, you cruel, demanding mistress…lol…

Pissed Off.

I've got itchy fingers, and the slight buzz of alcohol has worn off…so I guess I'll just write a bit…

Today was not a very good day. I wrote in my Morning's Musing, that I woke up feeling cranky as heck right…??? Well that bad feeling spread into the day.

First off, I found out that I'd short paid my school fees because I forgot to factor the increase in the fees, so I didn't calculate it properly. And these idiots were actually going to make me go all the way back home, just because of N25,000!!! God knows I was so frigging pissed off!!! Thankfully, I have friends. They hooked me up with the cash and I got that sorted. Now after that, nothing really happened. I'm done with registration. Glad about that. But then these idiots I call executives in my association just have to start pissing me off! Our supposed president just doesn't understand how to manage people, and everywhere is kinda topsy turvy at the moment. I'm not even in the mood to talk about that. Anyways, I was supposed to print something out from my old man, but I totally forgot. So I go to my uncle's place to use his printer. It took me 30 fricking minutes to get the bloody printer installed on my laptop!!!! What's worse? The bloody thing I went there to print?? I forgot it over there!!! ARRRGHH!!!!

Now I get home, I'm exhausted, I want to sleep, and my friend's gf decides she wants to hang out with me this evening. So they come get me. I'm trying not to be a spoilt sport, so I go on with them. Somewhere along the line, quite far into Magodo, his car breaks down!!! Can things get worse??? So now, the three of us abandon his car there and start walking. And what a walk it was!!! If I thought I needed the exercise, I'd have come packed with running shoes and shit! The only thing that made the Israelite journey worthwhile was the nice bottle of South African Red Wine we were passing between ourselves (ordinarily, I hate red wine, but this was actually nice).

Anyways, we drop his gf at home, I come home…now my dad's busting my balls. Talking to me about baptism, & when I'm going to do it, and how not doing it is a sign of irresponsibility…and all this shit. And then, he starts saying how it's because no one forces me to do anything, and a whole lot of bs.

Apparently, he's going to put me on a spiritual blackmail p. If he doesn't see a "change" in me (ie, I have to start going to fellowship, night vigils, holy ghost service and all that stuff) he's going to start treating me anyhow. As if he's been particularly nice before.

FUCK!!!!!!

I honestly can't wait to get off his wallet. Like really. Cos that's the only reason he can do all this kinda stuff. I'm so pissed off right now. It's a shame because he doesn't realize that he's one of the major reasons why I've never really developed a "relationship" with God. I look at my father, and what being a Christian makes him, & I'm not so sure I want to be like that. In all honesty, maybe I'll be able to be at peace with God when I move out of this man's house. Because I just can't see it right now. I mean, forcing a person to do something that should ordinarily come from the person's own free will??? It's like forcing the donkey to the stream. Fine. You've dragged & kicked and pushed, & finally gotten him to the stream. That doesn't mean he's going to drink a thing. & if he doesn't drink, then what the fuck was the point of dragging him there in the first place? All you've ended up doing is creating animosity between you and the bloody donkey. And that doesn't do anyone any good now does it???

I'm just so pissed off at him. He thinks he's dealing with a kid, who'll do as you say, no matter what you say cos really the kid doesn't know anything, and therefore you can force him into doing things so as to create and enforce behavior. I'm not 4 frigging years old! He's trying to do now, what he should have done 10, 15, 18 years ago. When my mind was still impressionable. But then he was too fucking busy with work, and church, that he didn't have time to look at his son. To try ro raise his son and cultivate behavior in him. And now in my twenties, he thinks that shit is going to do him any good? & it's a pity because, any reasonable person would see where he'd gone wrong, and then try to find other means. But as far as he's concerned? He's never done anything wrong. He's always done what was best. It's what we are doing to him….it's just…..bullshit.

Just one more year, then I graduate. Then I can start trying to plan out a life that will sever my financial umbilical cord from his as fast as possible.

I just can't wait…

The Morning's Musings

September 8, 2010. 7:08AM

It's a new day huh...whooptiedoo.

Don't get it twisted, I'm glad I've been able to see the day. There's a lot of people that would kill to be in my shoes. But let's be honest. There's just some days when you wake up & you're just.....fucking crancky.

I guess this is one of those mornings.

Anyways, there's stuff to do today. Have to be in school early. Officially, this is the day we're supposed to be resuming & stuff. But obviously, I'd gone on ahead since last week Friday to sort out a whole lot of things. So the only thing left for me to do right now is just to pick up my course form & get it stamped.

But then, for you that's just abstract talk isn't it???

Woke up this morning, thinking about a friend of mine. We had a bit of a fight about 6 months ago, & we still haven't talked & settled shit. I mean, we talk o. It's not like we're forming vexation for each other, it's just that for me, underlying the handshakes, and the laughter & all that we do when we see now, I feel the grouse there. The fact that we both feel that the other person did something wrong in some way or the other, & it hasn't been addressed. Funny thing is, he may just have mentally swept it under a rug, or filed it among the things that he considers unimportant, cos that's really the kinda guy he is, but for me, it's not like that. I hate having things like that at the back of my mind, cos I know that if it's not settled, a day will come when something will happen, something seemingly trivial, & everything will come bubbling out like lava from a volcano or something...

Ah well...I don't know...to confront, or let sleeping dogs chill???

I don't know...

Good morning reader. Hope you have a good day...

The Morning’s Musings

8:46 am.

*Yawn*

Good morning….

This one is coming out a lil' bit late… of course, I was awake by 5:45am, supposedly so I'd go running…but I think all the running about I did yesterday in school, registered in my body as enough running for the day… That's just the easy way of saying that I didn't go running this morning and rolled over & went back to bed…

Speaking about yesterday…Good Lord… I went to school for a few reasons. Firstly, efficiency was worrying me. I wanted to go & see if I could start registration ahead of time like I always do. And second, I wanted to take a look at the new set of year 1 girls…I'll tell the truth, I was very far from impressed. I'm hoping that the hot ones were maybe a bit late, & they'll be around from today and stuff…else wise, this year isn't going to be remotely as interesting as I hoped it would be… yes yes…I plan to make sure my final year is not only full of hard work, but with a little bit of….entertainment.

Anyways, those buffoons called officials had me running up and down just so that I'd be able to start out registration. I obviously wasn't able to finish, I'll have to go back tomorrow…*sigh*…but at least I got my accommodation clearance done. I got the room-mate I wanted, just not the room I wanted. Let's just hope it's a good room. I'm not sure I'm ready to go through the wahala of cell phone reception again…

And then the traffic going back to Lagos…Good Lord! Apparently, there was an accident at Ibafo. A bus and a jeep caught fire, and since those idiot tankers that are parked on the express joined the barbecue…the traffic was maddening!!! When they ask those tanker guys not to park there, they'll be going on strike & holding Lagos to ransome…buffoons..

But wait a minute…this is supposed to be The Morning's Musings abi??? Why am I talking about yesterday??? Ah well…it's my blog. I can write whatever I want. *SticksTongueOut*

Well, I'm off…gotta grap the day by the balls…

Laterz!

Blogaway Crash!

I'm in tears...

My blog application on my phone crashed, & I had to re-install it. So now I've lost all the drafts that were on it. So many unfinished pieces. Memories that I'd put down...saving for later. All gone...

Ah well. I guess it's time to start writing new stuff...making new memories...

Speaking of memories, a friend of mine that's on Twitter, just reminded me of my days in secondary school, when my class mates used to call me "The Baboon". Lmao!!! They even had a soundtrack for me. It was the "Upswing" ringtone on the Nokia3510i. It's so funny now, the way i used to get so riled up about it. I'd get all ticked off, & be vexing & shit. But now, I wonder what the big deal was. I was honestly such a dumb ass kid. In as much as I feel that my mind was wired somewhat differently from the rest of the pack, at the base of it, I couldn't escape the immaturity that came as a bundle pack with puberty. And in some funny way, I think I'm still stuck with that predicament. I have an old soul, that's still young at heart. So even though people look at me & think I'm somewhat intelligent & all that, there are times when the teenager that never really got a chance to live comes out in me. So yes, I know I can be immature. It can be a very annoying... even for me.

I think....I think about things way too much. I just let shit weigh me down. Well...Le Beau thinks so, & I'm inclined to agree with him. It's probably why I have so many mood swings...

He thinks I need people to lighten my load...He may be right. One reason I love my friends so much, is that they help to keep me from thinking about stuff. So when I'm with them, the darkness of sadness doesn't creep into my heart so much... but then, not so many of them actually know me like that. Some do, but they're not so many. & for a person to be able to think like you,& think of somethings for you, or keep you from thinking about stuff, they have to be able to relate with the way your mind works. That's one reason I value the time I get to spend with Le Beau & Oyé bo...because the two of them understand me. They understand me so well that it freaks me out sometimes. But anyways....

So I'm just sitting here in the dark...there's a power problem in Magodo...PHCN keeps "flashing" us with light...lol. Need to get the gen on. Stuff to be done.

Catch you later Blogsville!

Thoughts from a Maverick’s Perspective

Alone with my thoughts, I try to think but it's like my brain has gone silent.

The only thing I remember in these days past is asking me where the time went.

Time spent. Never to be regained, and I mourn 'cos I obviously haven't used it wisely.

And these days when I look around, unfortunately, I see.

I see my surrounding, my environs, my nation.

My current predicament, or in simpler terms, my current situation.

My dreams and the things I fear. Things I hate & all that I hold dear.

I wish I could look into the future, but all I do is see my past years.

In truth, it's not like they're so many, I'm only twenty uhhmm…

And from the point of view of those ahead, the battle isn't even nearly done.

*sigh*…. I wonder to myself, when will restoration finally come???

But I digress. The stress of being… just simply being, shouldn't be that much, or so it would seem.

So I see that which I need to see, even though I wish I couldn't see it.

Ignorance is bliss. This is a fact. If you never knew it then how can you miss it?

But to speak the truth, I'm glad that my eyes were opened. My brain was lit up like a light bulb getting a surge of electricity.

My mind was opened up like a rose blooming in the evening light.

To be a bit cliché, my thoughts emerged like a butterfly from its cocoon & summarily took flight.

So in hind sight, learning is the best thing that ever happened, and it happened for a purpose.

I think of the future, but all I see is the past. I ask myself, for God's sake, how long will this last?

So I run towards the future, I embrace this life unseen.

It's time to be something else. I'm tired of the way I have been.

The disarray of my way is in no way the way which I thought I wanted it yesterday.

So I'll go with this plan that's not a plan. I'll walk in it from day to day.

I'm ready to learn, to earn the right to exist.

I think, therefore I am. Therefore my right to exist is only as valid as the strength of my thoughs.

So I shall learn to think differently. To enter an existence different from the past whence I have lived.

To think differently is the plan… To think things through from my own perspective…

Thoughts from a Maverick's Perspective.

When I’m One With My Pen.

In past and even more present times, when left alone with my rhymes I've cursed my inability to sit down at the odd given times and put them down with utter versatility.

I would try to put pen to paper and write perhaps a caper, or whatever else I imagined I should be able to write…. Romance, a story about a slow dance, a slow chant…or a story about crime, or maybe even a story to make a grown man cry… I tried.

But at times like that like I once before told thee, my pen would forsake me. It'd run metaphorically from my mind screaming catch me if you can, kinda like the gingerbread man…

And I in my mind would give a chase long and hard…. Till those mental legs of my reasoning seemed like they'd previously been scarred and I was mentally outta breath from trying to catch that which should never have left. Sometimes I'd be like a Yoruba mother you see on the way to the market standing by the left screaming at her little boy like "PEN!!!! TI O BA BO SIBI BAI N'SIN!!!" And my pen would take a sarcastic bow…. and just leave.

The idea that I couldn't write was ill conceived so bereaved I would simply sit staring. Waiting & wondering when my pen would follow the map down the path which my mind wished to go…. I started to wonder if I was mentally challenged…or even worse, I started to question if in actuality I had any talent.

 

But at the oddest and strangest of times, like a little boy who ran away from home till he realized that he had totally no food & no money and that he was all alone and simply wanted his mommy, it would come back to me. And at times like these, I can write whatever the hell I want. I'd catch the truth by the toes and the nose, and put it all out so that everybody knows. I'd bare some random part of the deeps of my soul & sow together a coat of many statements for my reader to wear. I'd create fear in the minds of the feeble and fake, and as they quake in their boots cos a real person walked by, I'd smile, knowing the strength I have, because I write. I could even write the greatest love poem ever known, and dedicate to a woman I'll never know. Or maybe I'd think up some fictional prose. A story that may end up being too crazy to be told.

Whatever, it really don't matter. I could write whatever the heck I want right then. Cos totally bold is how I feel, when I'm one with my pen.

Basking in the Euphoria of Superfluity

This is what's happening to everyone these days. And I know it's arrogant to sit on the side lines and say that the rest of the world is focusing on shit that seems unimportant to you, so that isn't what I'm doing. When I say everyone, I include myself in the little cycle of stupidity which I see.

And honestly, I don't know how to explain what brought me to this conclusion. I saw a movie on Friday, "Remember Me". It had Robert Patterson and Pierce Brosnan in it. It really doesn't have a particular plot to it. At least I don't believe it does. Robert is a 21 year old dude who lost his older brother about 6 years back, and doesn't seem to have been able to get over it. His dad (Pierce Brosnan) is a rich business man who doesn't have time for his kids, and treats them like shit. This is supposedly the reason Robert's big bro killed himself. He meets some girl, falls in love…yada yada yada. I know this is a very shitty movie review, but this isn't why we're here. Anyways, the movie was really sad as it was going on, and then near the end of the movie, things start to get better. The dude's girlfriend comes back to him, his dad starts to be a better father….and then Robert's character is killed in the 9/11 attacks. I was so devastated…

Anyways, watching that movie made me realize, that what everyone imagines is the most important thing, really isn't. We go from here to there, helter skelter, wrapped up in our own little ball of madness, making a mountain hill of something that could be a mole hill if we only sat back to analyze it properly.

I'm not sure I have a lot of wise words or philosophical statements to put down on this one, all I can do is say things as they are, or at least, from where I'm standing. And from where I'm standing, the problem is that what we chase about, and put on a pedestal of ultra importance, will continue to haunt us. Until a point where it's all consuming and we actually can't see that the simple flame we stuck our finger into has become a roaring fire that burns away at everything around us which we should consider to be important. And the thing is, the things that we are supposed to consider to be important, we side-line. Like forgetting that family is more important than some job. Like remembering that love, should supersede all. Like understanding that it's not all about popping bottles in clubs and acting the fool.

Life, life is a bit more important than all that.

An Empty Update

Yes. This is exactly what the title says.

I have, totally nothing to write about. Okay, that's not true. There's stuff I wanna write about, but unfortunately for me, I'm in that position where the bridge between my mind and my pen has been burned. I need to figure out a way to rebuild it.

So, nothing really big has been going on…honestly. My holidays are just about over. Safe to say, nothing, and I mean nothing at all went the way I'd planned it out. Some things went horribly, I'm trying to believe that some things went well, but for the love of my life, I can't seem to remember what those things are. But then, I'm supposed to thank God either way ain't it??? And in all honesty, I'm actually grateful to God. A lot of things could have gone belly up this holiday. Quite a number of things did actually. Dolapo spent more time getting fixed and consuming money that I didn't have, than being my trusty steed from point to point (sounds corny, I know).

Anyways, so the holiday is just about over. Another year of grueling and suffering, sleepless nights, horrible food, annoying rules….*sigh* …but on the bright side, it's only one more year! This is the last lap…the final match! …and all that stuff. I just sha hope it all goes well.

Anyway, on with my rambling. This week was a very….uneventful one. I seem to be having more and more of those recently. I saw this movie yesterday, "Remember Me" with Robert Patterson & Pierce Brosnan. Amazingly, after seeing that movie, I must say that Robert is actually quite a very good actor. It was such a sad movie. The end was so…. I actually almost cried (seriously…I do have feelings too). Anyways, besides the very sad and heartbreaking ending, the movie made me miss being in a relationship…like really… but well…que sera sera…

I've learned quite a bit this holiday though…I've learned that persistence can be quite effective. I've learned that some people that I thought were quite strong actually weren't. I've learned that I'm much more human than I once believed, and I'm quite prone to some of the many blunders that I often chastise my fellow fellas for… I've learned about priorities…. I've learned that some things, and some people, just have to be left alone, for anything good to happen… I also learned that drinking close to half a bottle of Smirnoff Blue which has 50% alcohol volume in the space of 2 hours, is rather bad for you, and will leave you with a very horrible two day hangover… I leaned that declaring a girl to be attractive, whilst under the influence of aforementioned vodka, is also quite a bad idea. Because when the hangover finally clears…well…let's just say, so also will her beauty.

There's actually stuff I'd like to talk about…but I think I'll save it for a new blog/ story plan me & some friends are working on…I'm tired of rambling.

I'm going to sleep.