Introspective Blogging: "The Weakness In Me"

“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness” - Jack Handy
“The greatest weakness of all is the great fear of appearing weak” - Jacques Beniqne Bossuel
“Sometimes our greatest strength come from our weakness.” - Source Unknown
" I believe in the power of weakness." - Pat Buckley

So apparently, these people (along with a whole lot of others) seem to view weakness as something that is ok...
I don't know how I feel about that, honestly.
See, In my very short lifetime, I've had to become strong. I was forced to pull out the man in me and become rock hard. As time went by, I realized that the strength in my soul wasn't just necessary for me, but for other people. That other people depended on me to be strong for them.
So, having weaknesses, is really not something I want. It's not something that appeals to me at all.
And no, this has nothing to do with the whole, "macho man" thing that we men have going on. Okay, it probably has something to do with it. It's being said that  “The strength of women is the pretense of weakness, and the weakness of men is the pretense of strength”, so I guess that as a man, I also require myself to be strong.


But I think, that my issue with having weaknesses goes a lil deeper. I mean, every man sometimes uses the "I'm only human" excuse to cover up their faults, therefore admitting to themselves that it's alright to be weak sometimes. And even I have come to admit it. I have weaknesses. Yes I do. I just hate it so fucking much. It may also be because I give off this air of being someone who isn't affected by what people do. That I don't really give a damn about you attitude which I exude works just fine for me. That ice cold wall that very few can pass through is a haven for my mind.
"Solitude is strength; to depend on the presence of the crowd is weakness. The man who needs a mob to nerve him is much more alone than he imagines." -  Paul Brunton

*sigh*


I'm an intense person. That in itself is a weakness, but also comes as an advantage from time to time.


I don't like the feeling that there are things that I can feel, that I have no control over. That something can occur to make my mind work against me, & there's nothing I can do about it. The very idea of it is crippling. It makes me feel like ripping my heart off & replacing it with some slab of stone that can't be reached.


Maybe that's my problem...that I've stopped doing that.


One thing worse than knowing you have weaknesses, is finding a weakness that you never knew you had, & having to come to the pure realization that, you're a bit weaker than you imagined you were...especially when you want to believe that you have the weaknesses down to the barest minimum.


Recently, I've come to the realization of the existence of a weakness. It stems from something that I always knew was in me....but I never knew that it would become a weakness. Maybe because I've never given the chance for it to happen. Or...maybe that's not it. Maybe because I've never noticed it. But now I have. Now it's hit me. And what's worse, it's irrational. And what's even worse, is that the fact that I know that's it's irrational isn't in anyway enough to help me overcome it.


Well, I don't know how I'm gonna overcome this. I don't know if it's even something I should overcome. Maybe in this weakness, I can gain some form of strength. I have no idea.

I pride myself on being strong,

A man reborn from the ashes,

Of a confused American youth,

But hairline fractures so often,

Erupt wetly down this face,

The tributaries collected in,

Off brand white tissue.

I pride myself on being a father,

But deep inside of my being,

I still feel like a lost child,

Loved but overprotected,

From the thorns that so often,

Pierce my tender sides,

From black roses of society.

I pride myself on being a husband,

A man that would die in her place,

But I always feel like sometimes,

I have never done enough,

For her to justify her love,

To a man who outside is strong,

But within feels so drained.

I pride myself on being a worker,

Dedicated to putting food on the table,

Each and every week of my life,

But sometimes the burden is so heavy,

That I wonder if I'm still alive,

After so much mindless repetition,

A slave to the blank time card.

I pride myself on being a poet,

My words pouring forth from my soul,

But sometimes I feel so hollow,

And the words become cruel parodies,

Of my original intentions and message,

An ink-born embyro that was aborted,

Before it got a chance to shine.

But deep inside my being I know,

That Uruz lies in wait to spark,

A fire to a heart that has grown cold,

So many times in the near past,

And In this rune of mine I stand,

A greater man before you all,

And in my thoughts and prayers,

To all of the weak and sick,

I pray that no matter what you call it,

Uruz will come back to you too.

- Brian Andrew Rainey

I don't know if this poem has anything to do with how I feel right now...but it resonates with my soul right now. I don't even know if you understand what the hell I'm saying...but well...I don't know what to say about that.

A Thirteenth Birthday Disaster

It was his thirteenth birthday....and probably the most embarassing day of his life.

Ugo couldn't even look up from the pillow which he'd buried his head in like an ostrich buries its head in the earth hoping it's predators won't see it. But in this case, some part of him hoped that if he kept his head there long enough, the embarassment would pass by him, and he wouldn't have to go to school on monday.

When his mom had suggested a birthday party, the bells in his head immediatelly started ringing. He tried to discourage her. Tried to tell her he didn't have so many friends, tried to tell her...anything to get her to forget about the idea. But she seemed fixed on it, & that was that.

He had no idea how he was going to manage it. It was bad enough that everyone in school knew that he came from a home where things were hard; evident in the cheap material his uniform was sewn from, and the fake Nike sneakers he wore (the kids his age were all about designer clothing and original sneaker brands)...but really, did he have to bring them to his house??

He told some of his friends about it. Leye and Sadiq had been his best friends from Primary 5, and he was sure they'd be able to help. Leye lived down in V.I, his father owned the apartment building they stayed in, along with many others, and was a former top shot at LSDPC. Sadiq lived in a massive house in Ikoyi. His dad was the MD of First Bank. A lot of the time, Ugo felt quite intimidated with the obvious wealth around them, but they didn't seem to care that he couldn't match up, which was one reason they were such good friends.

They also thought the party would be a good idea. "Guy." Leye said. "It's a birthday party. We're in JS 1. Who wouldn't want to be there?" Even Sadiq, the usually quiet one, was psyched about it. "We can invite that Portugese girl - what's that her name again? -that just started coming here, I know you've been scoping her. And Tosin and her clique. And guy! You have to invite Tracy... she's so pretty... & her breasts are growing!" He said with a shine in his eye. "SADIQ!!!" Leye shouted. "This is Ugo's party joh. Okay, Ugo, we'll invite...your mom said 30 people abi? Okay, don't worry. It'll be fine."

Well, if they said so, he guessed it would be fine. They started making invitation cards, sent them out to 10 boys and 17 girls -it was always good to have more girls than boys, even 12 year olds knew that.- and everyone seemed to like the idea. He wasn't as popular as Leye or Sadiq, but he was their friend, so he guessed he's be accepted on that basis.

His birthday finally arrived. It was a Saturday, so it made good sense. He woke up feeling quite good. The house was smelling like his mother's special fried rice recipe. She had been preparing things for the last 3 days. It had to go well.

Everyone was supposed to start showing up from about 2pm.

Leye and Sadiq came over at 11am. It was going to be a good day...right?

And then the problems began.

The new CD player his dad had finally bought after months of begging, simply stopped working. No reason they could understand. The thing didn't even have the decency to wait till after the party to stop.

Then, around 2.15, Toyosi called the house, to say she couldn't make it. And so did 12 other boys & girls.

The Portugese girl, Tracy, and Funke showed up, and so did 4 other boys. That was it. 3 girls, 7 boys. At a party meant for 30.

Tracy and Funke kept turning their noses at everything in the house. Their parents were rich, so they were obviously used to better things. When they passed some snide comment, it took both Sadiq and Ugo to hold Leye, so he wouldn't go beat the both of them.

Things began to get worse.

The CD player was bad, so Ugo's sister had (definitely not) the brightest of ideas. She brought down her radio! So now, they were listening to the radio, hoping the Dj on Rhythm would play something they could dance to.

When his mom started bringing out the food, Ugo decided to carry food to the Portugese girl, hoping he'd score points for that. He should've known better. Just as he got close to her with the food, he tripped. Spilling rice, salaad, and some curry chicken, all over her.

If he'd been in a better mood, the look of shock on her face would have been a priceless sight. But at that point...

She immediatelly got up, found her driver, and left.

"Okay," he thought to himself. "Things really can't get much worse than this."

NEPA struck. They didn't have a gen.

And like a group that had been planning it for a while, the four boys, besides Leye and Sadiq, and the two girls who remained, got up and left.

The party was over.

Three hours later, his mom knocked at his door. "Ugo come out. Everyone's gone now. Come, everything will be fine."

But he knew it wouldn't be. As they walked out, the boys had smirks on their faces that could only be translated as "We'll see you on Monday."

He just wanted to stay in bed forever...or at least till  the shame of the day was washed away by the tears soaking into his pillow.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

Introspective Blogging: "Matching Your Beliefs"

I've come to a weird realization.

Very few people live by what they believe.

Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, this statement isn't particularly new. Human beings have based themselves in double standards since the beginning of time. My memory fails me, but there was a particular character in the bible who slept with a prostitute, but had the guts to order that his daughter-in-law should be stoned, when they found that she was pregnant. Regardless of the fact that her actual husband had been dead for a time. Turned out though, that she'd been the woman he had sex with, but she wore a veil when they had sex, so he didn't know. And the baby was his.

But I've gone away from the point haven't I? Anyways, I think that, sometimes, it's not necessarilly that individuals live by double standards, in some special cases, they may actually believe the truth of the theories they preach, but for some reason or the other, have problems converting those beliefs into actual action. More often than not, there's a dissociation which may be caused by fear. It may be caused by the things we've been led to believeour entire lives.

As boys, we're taught not to show emotion, and that crying is a weakness. We learn, when we become men, that it's not necessarilly a weakness. But knowing this, and believing this, doesn't mean we can simply get over the life long wiring that's been laid into us. Does it?

A babe may realize that she is a jealous type when it comes to relationships. She may also think it's wrong, and may sometimes speak against it. Does the fact that she still goes "she-hulk" sometimes, make her a bad person?

I think it's all about working on your flaws. You realize you're doing something wrong, something that goes against what you believe and preach, then work at it.

Don't let anyone call you out on bullshit, saying you have a double standard. Understand within yourself that you're working at it, and sooner than later, you'll be fine.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

In Times Of Need.

Today, I had a rather bad day.....

Wait. That's a really shit way to start a blog ne cest pas? But well, like I always say, my blog is my diary. So if you have a problem with it, adios!

Anyways, this update really isn't about my shitty day, or the insanity that dwells in the mind of every LASTMA official in Lagos, or how some pot bellied bastard thugs who the state government has given some form of legality by making them LASTMA workers, will probably burn in hell and be anally raped by a demon with a 29" wong everyday for the rest of eternity....

/* Calm down Panda*/

No...this update is not about that.

Today, in the midst of my problems, I really had nowhere to turn to. So I called a friend that I hadn't seen in months. & even though, at the end of the day, he could only do so much, he actually showed up for me. Like, he showed up immediatelly he heard I had wahala.

I've always heard the saying that, the friends who are there for you in your times of trouble, are your real friends. So yeah. He's a real friend. And, if you have anyone like that, please show em appreciation.  Cos really...you never know.

Hope y'all are having a good weekend. I, obviously am not.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

The Freak Within

Yo!

It's been a while abi? I'm sure you've been wondering where I've been. Well, I was in the middle of exams….trying to make sure Daddy Panda's hard earned money wasn't going down the toilet. But it was good. God took care of me, now awaiting the results. For those people that called, texted, tweeted, or whatever, wishing me the best in my exams, and praying for me & stuff, thanks. I appreciate. If you didn't, well…I hope your dog dies. K

Where else have I been? Well, since Thursday night, I've been right where Globacom Nigeria wanted me to be; Bent over, right in front of them, with my pants around my ankles.

Two bloody days!!! That's all I have to say.

Anyways… a few days ago, I was reading a post on http://www.wisdomismisery.com/ called "The Good Girl vs. Bad Girl Conundrum", and it was about, how guys, although they want one, cannot handle having a freak in the sheets as their girlfriend. Supposedly, we've been raised to respect women, and the level of sexual deviance necessary for "Freakiness" is just not something that a guy can handle, and still respect his girlfriend. So usually, he'll either suffer like that (assuming he wants a freak) or go out and find a freak to satisfy his dark, inner desires.

Hmmm…

On Thursday, surprisingly, this was the same topic of discussion on Twitter's #Tweminar, (arranged by @Gigachic I think) . Would a guy rather have a good girl, or a freak? Guys say they want freaks, but they can't respect them…blah blah bollocks.

From a maverick's perspective, this is all just bullshit.

First of all, some operational definitions:

Freak: A babe who knows how to work it in bed. Has a very good sexual appetite, & knows how to break a guy off properly.

Good Girl: A girl who is supposedly "innocent" in the ways of sexual activities. She has no experience, and will probably be an "ok" sexual partner.

Now, let's get to it.

Every guy, at least every sensible guy I know, would love to be able to have amazing sex with their girlfriends. The kinda sex that leaves you partially deaf in one ear for like 30mins. The kinda sex that makes a brother get outta bed and go cook a meal for her right after. How do you do that without a freak?

I fail to understand why people would think that a guy can't handle the "Lady in the street but freak in the sheets" girlfriend. Okay, I do though. Women are so tied up in what they think the Nigerian Man is that they forget that we've evolved over the last decade or so. So, they feel this odd need to pretend, to be something they're not, just so the dude will respect and stay with them.

Here's the truth. Every guy wants to be able to have the kind of sex I described above, with his girlfriend. If he can't get good sex, he's going to be sexually frustrated. Even more so, if he has actually had sex on that level, with someone else, at some point in his life, before this girlfriend showed up. Now, a sexually frustrated man will most likely resort to:

1. Infidelity
   
2. Masturbation
   
3. Just being plain old miserable for the length of the relationship.
   

Let's be honest. None of these are desirable alternatives. No woman wants a cheating man, and a lot of women feel insulted if her man would rather beat off than sleep with her.

Now, on Thursday, while Tweminar was going on, everyone kept saying how the man would cheat if he couldn't get a freak in the sheets…"the woman nko?" was what I asked.

If the woman is a closet freak, who's been pretending to be a good girl so that her man won't feel insecure and get disrespectful, gets frustrated cos this dude is just doing the same old missionary, when she wants him to spread her across three continents, pull her hair and drive her home like a pack of wild horses (pardon meJ)…well, we're gonna have the same effects as listed above with the sexually frustrated dude. So at the end of the day, with the pretense and "good girl"ism, everyone gets screwed (just, not the way they'd want to be screwed)

It's all about honesty.

First of all, ladies. I know a good man is hard to find and all, but really. Making yourself unhappy just so some dead guy can take you serious is not the way forward. If he can't accept you for who you are that really is his luck. You wanna let out the freak within, please, don't dull yourself, or there'll be nobody to blame but….you.

Fellaz, I think it's time we stop thinking in stereotypes. "Freak" and "Ho" are two completely different words. Just because she's freaky, doesn't mean you can't respect her. She is not a ho. And if you say that's what you want, then don't mess about when you get it. And, if you get a girl who actually is a good girl (no pretense here), then you have two options. Rather than start cheating, or endure a hopeless relationship, you can either; 1. Leave her be, and let someone who will appreciate her for who she is, come into her life. Or… 2. You can teach her.

Personally, I prefer the second option. In my opinion, everyone has a freak within. They just haven't been introduced yet. So, rather than going out to get the freak as your side chic, teach your girl that it's okay to be freaky. And all those things you want her to do? Teach her. Slowly, bit by bit. Let her use initiative sometimes. An added bonus that comes with teaching, she does things exactly the way you want her to do them. It'll take time, but sooner than later, you'll have the woman you want.

A word of advice though; is be careful what you wish for. Know the kind of girl that you're making into a freak. Don't go complaining if you create an uncontrollable sex monster o. it's just one of the hazards you have to deal with. And if you want a freaky girlfriend, be ready to deal with what you asked for.

Ladies, not every guy that says they can handle the "Lady in the street – Freak in the sheets" woman, actually can. Look very well at the kinda guy first…test him with little things…you know how you women do. Just sha know what's up.


 
That's all I have to say for now…I've got other stuff I wanna write…some poetry & stuff, but that may come later. If you wanna read the "The Good Girl vs. Bad Girl Conundrum", check out http://www.wisdomismisery.com/?p=2115 ok?

Have a good week.