A Mother's Shield

|I'm quite horrible at telling stories unlike my friends Amina & Le Beau, & I'm definitely much more comfortable writing poetry than prose. But a friend told me I need to start working on prose. So here's my second short story ever. The first was "Memories Race By" if you have the energy to dig through my blog to find it...

S/O to Hannah for editing this one. You can't imaine how messy this would've looked without her help

Constructive commentary & criticism would be really appreciated.

Panda.|

A Mother's Shield

A chikin sunan Yesu!!! Ba Abun da zai ta'ba kan dan-na!!! (in the name of Jesus! There's nothing that can touch my son's head!!!) the prayers rattled off Hauwa's tongue like incantations flowing from the mouth of a skilled diviner. She had awoken with a start sometime around 2:35AM, and and felt a sudden, unexplainable urge to pray. She hadn't had a bad dream or anything. All she knew was that she had felt something strike her spine, right at the same time she heard someone scream "ZAKARI!!!!!" in a blood curdling voice filled with fear and emerging tears. Hauwa knew that voice. That was Asiya's voice.

She'd heard that voice transform from belonging to a little girl running around in her underwear, playing police and thief with her son Zakari in front of their house, to the beautiful woman who's laugh always seemed to attract men to her like the voices of the fabled Greek Sirens would attract sailors to their island. They always seemed to attract every man except the one man both Hauwa and Asiya wanted it to attract; Zakari. Hauwa knew Asiya was in love with her son. She also knew that her son had never noticed it in the 22 odd years which they had been friends. But Hauwa had noticed. In fact, she knew when it had started.

The both of them had been 5 years old, and Zakari had just started learning Jeet Kun Do from his father Sanusi. Asiya had cried for days because her mother had refused to let her join Zak at the martial arts school. The woman was a Jehovah's Witness, & was a firm believer in non-violence, especially among women. Asiya moped for days, and Zakari couldn't cheer her up. One evening after dinner, she saw Zak leave the house quietly and go over to Asi's house. He whistled their secret tune which Asi had taught him months before (the sound of the both of them whistling had almost driven her mad), and she crept out. She watched as Zak took Asi to their backyard, and begun teaching her the rudiments of JKD, as best as he could, considering the fact that he'd only started learning a week before then.

From that day on, Asiya begun to look at her son differently, and over the 20 years that passed, that look had never wavered. Zak had grown to be a fine specimen of a man. 6ft 2" of pure manliness. He looked exactly like his father Sanusi had looked when he was 25. A face so beautiful, almost feminine, yet made masculine with the sheen of facial hair that covered it, and those sharp eyes that never missed a thing, yet could make knees melt when softened by that boyish grin they both had. Just like his father, he walked with a confidence that only a trained fighter could possess, and a trained fighter he was. Ruthlessly drilled day by day in his father's school, he'd become easily the most lethal person in the area. And though he had a martial artist's reserve, never jumping into fights, because he knew the damage he could cause, he still had his father's arrogance; he was afraid of nobody, and would never back down from any situation, no matter how dangerous.

It was that arrogance that had always scared her and it was that same arrogance that she had been warned to pray about by her pastor last week Sunday. "The voice of a parent in the ears of God is shield that covers our children and pushes them out of harm's way." He had said to her after the service when she went to greet him. "Your husband Sanusi is no longer with us. Make sure your voice is loud enough for God to hear, to protect your son from himself." She had no idea what those words meant, but waking up like this meant she had to make God hear her. "Allah, kar ka sa n bata abun kadai da ina da sha a dunia nan" (God, don't let me lose the only thing I have left in this world.) She prayed fervently as she wiped a sheen of cold sweat from her forehead. Two hours after she woke up, her phone rang. It was Asiya. "Mama! Mama! Please wake up! Please come to the hospital quickly! Something's happened to Zak!"

Between Hauwa's throwing clothes on, and going to the hospital with the phone pressed to her ear, Asiya told her what happened. They had gone out that night to a club in V.I. "Caliente", Asi had called it. They and their friends had just finished their final exams at uni, and decided to celebrate. There was a lot of drinking and partying going on. Then later in the night, some drunk rich thug had tried to force himself on Asiya. She defended herself well, using the fight techniques Zak had taught her, freeing herself, embarrassing the rich boy. But this wasn't enough for Zak. Despite Asi's pleas, he decided to teach the rich boy a lesson. He picked a fight with the boy & his friends. 6 drunk fools weren't even close to being a match for him. Unfortunately, one of them snuck up behind him with a gun. All his years of Jeet Kun Do training, yet nothing had prepared him for that single bullet that hit him in the back. Hauwa found a taxi to carry her to Premier Hospital in V.I. Half crying, half praying, & almost going mad. She ran past the reception without even looking at the nurse that tried to stop her. Asiya was waiting for her. "He's been in I.C.U for the last hour. The doctors won't tell me anything." Just then, a doctor came out, looked at Asi with recognition, & walked over to them. Images started pouring into Hauwa's mind. Images of her crying over her dead son's body as it was laid to rest. Images of her pushing him around in a wheelchair for the rest of his tortured life. She looked at the doctor with the petrified look of a woman who had raised a son for 25years, and couldn't imagine a life without him...

"He's alright. The bullet just narrowly missed his spine. We got it out, and he'll be able to leave in a week." She looked up at the doctor, daring him to say those words again. To give her hope again. To tell her that she still had a reason to live. "You'll be able to see him in an hour." Was all he said. An hour later, as she sat at the foot of his bed, crying so hard she soaked the blue hospital sheets, Zak looked at his mother and said to her in a weak voice "You know mama, just before I heard Asiya scream my name, and I felt that bullet hit me, I could've sworn I felt you push me. You know the way you always do when you want me to do something really quick." All Hauwa could do was look at her son, her pride and joy, and cry. He had no idea.....absolutely no idea.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

V for Virgin!

Virginity.

Over the last couple of days, this topic's been coming up around me. I have no idea why. It just springs up sha. Like yesterday afternoon, @olu_dehinsilu & I were talking about it...then, later in the night. I was sitting by the window in my room, studying, & i heard some dude from the opposite block yell out "FEMI IS A VIRGIN!!!!"

The way he yelled it out ehn, it kinda sounded like an insult to me. As if that wasn't enough, I was watching a movie this afternoon, "Black Swan" - with Natalie Portman - (and for any of you who wanna call me gay for watching that movie, I hold @OtasE fully responsible. She's the one who recommended it to me...)

Anyways, so I'm watching the movie, & at some point, this dude asks Natalie ( I can't remember what her name in the movie was) "You're not a virgin are you?"...& the way he asked was so.......mocking...

A few days ago, a friend of mine was telling me how she heard her year one room-mate & her friends saying that they couldn't wait to start clubbing, & to lose their virginities...what the hell is going on?!?

Even this morning, @sleek004 & @wumie were chatting about the "appropriate time" for a girl to lose her virginity... 16, 21, 19.....??? *smh*

Now, with all these things I've been seeing & hearing about virginity, I had to ask, is virginity a bad thing now??

I mean, I may have been hiding under a rock somewhere for a bit, so I didn't get the memo notifying the world that it's a bad thing to be a virgin. I remember in secondary school, the dudes  who were getting laid already would look at us (yes, I was a virgin when I got outta secondary school) & call us virgins like we had leprosy or something. Of course, there were some anti-clockwise idiots who'd been celibate from birth that'd be making mouth as well, but those bonkons are rather unimportant. They're as useless a burglary proof without bars...

/Panda! Was that really necessary??? *smh*\

....moving on....

When did it become wrong for a girl or guy to be 21 & a virgin? When did it become something to be embarrassed about? What gives anyone the right to mock another person cos he/she hasn't started shagging??

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to argue about the morality of virginity, & how it's a good thing to keep your "virtue" till marriage. Go meet your pastor if you wanna hear that. Neither am I gonna pretend and use the "sex is over-rated" line. That's bullshit. Sex gets fantastic with practice, & when you both know what each other wants. So, I generally tell my friends that are still V's that they can do what they want. But they shouldn't let anyone pressure them.

I mean, it's all about choice isn't it? Some people actually want to stay virgins till they get married. I have a friend, who's 28, & I shit you not, has more game than any other guy I know. & I mean any guy...like I wouldn't advise you to leave your girl around him for your own safety...But he's a V... No joke. He's deliberately refused to have sex. He says he wants to save it for marriage. He's lost 2 girlfriends cos he refused to shag em.

So what do you say about that kinda dude?

I, personally don't see anything wrong with a person who chooses to remain a virgin, & I think anyone who harrasses another person - male or female - for being one should be strung up by the nipples & sold into slavery. :-|

Ok that's a bit much. But being serious. If you go around abusing people, & mocking them cos they don't get laid, I somehow doubt you're getting any yourself. #JustSaying.

So, in the words of the brilliant poet Goerge Watsky (look him up on YouTube), "This is for everyone who couldn't get it, didn't want it, or had it, but gave it back!" There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. If that's what you want, be proud. & if it's lack of opportunity that's worrying you, well......your turn sef go come one day...

And if anyone tries to make you feel bad cos you're a virgin, look em straight in the eye and tell em, "Panda says it's okay to be a virgin!"

#ThatIsAll.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

Grenades, Scapegoats, & Other Measures of Madness.

Lately, Bruno Mars is one of my favorite singers. (I can just see some of the chics reading this. You've seen Bruno Mars & you're happy like a puppy  with two tails.)

Anyways, Bruno Mars. That dude's voice is....AMAZING! It's hard to describe. And of course, he has some good song writers that write with him (What? You were thinking he writes all his songs alone? Sorry to disappoint you) so, when you have the dude singing songs like "Just The Way You Are", you know that's talent you're hearing right there.

But there's one song in particular I'm thinking about.

"Grenade"

That song seems to have caused a lot of problems for gentlemen all around me. That buffoon of a boy that's always wearing cap up & down decided to go & sing "I would catch a grenade for ya, throw my head on a blade for ya, I'd jump in front of a train for ya....." I think we all know how the lyrics to this song go.

Now, according to @SNN_Headlines, women have now started requiring their husbands, boyfriends and toasters to perform acts of intense madness - such as catching grenade - in order to prove their love for them.

Well, as an unrepentant member of the "Single & Wayward" community (along with some of my brothers such as @mr_1saac, @ThePervNerd, @amosquito4eva, @NanuDiei, @shollylolly & co), this recent disturbance doesn't disturb me. I mean, any girl that is expecting me to catch grenade for her... *pauses for a minute to laugh like a mad man* ... I'm telling you ehn, I go first off all my cloth before I start to dey swear for the half bag of goat!

But really, nowadays, guys are always very afraid to be around women when that song starts playing. A friend of mine got dumped two weeks after the song came out. Two weeks! His girlfriend came to see him one day, dressed in the sexiest dress he'd ever seen. She came in, cooked for him and all.. this dude was wondering what was going on. But well, he saw his girl, a lot of good food - good sex & good food - *smh* the poor fool never even saw anything coming. One minute he was asking "innocently", why she was being so nice to him that day, the next thing he knew, (according to him) it had turned to her shouting & asking what he'd do for her to prove his love,& would he catch a grenade for her? Now, my poor friend hadn't heard the song at this point, & he hadn't the foggiest what this girl was talking about. So of course he laughed and asked, "Why in God's name would I wanna do that?"

That was how, ladies & gents, this dude pressed the proverbial mad woman's breast (while ensuring that he'd never again touch his girlfriend's breasts). The poor guy ended up wearing all the good food that she cooked for him, along with some makeup that looked very much like five fingers laid very neatly across both cheeks.

I felt so sorry for the guy, that I decided to get Bruno Mars' album, & listen to the song myself. By the way, "Doowops and Hooligans" is a really good album..

But you see, being the kind of guy that I am, I listened to the song very well, to try & understand this new source of male sorrow. I listened to it, and I realized something that most babes have conveniently decided to forget. The end of the chorus goes: "Yes I would die for you baby, but you wouldn't do the same."

Interesting ain't it? Isn't it quite easy for womenfolk to neglect that part of the song???

The entire song, from the very beginning is about a babe that was just using our guy to catch trips. The dude was there being a mugu in love, meanwhile the babe was using him to play. Part of it goes "Gave you all I had & you tossed it in the trash". Doesn't this seem very familiar to somebody reading this??

And have you seen the video to the song?? Oya lemme narrate it for you, just in case you've been hiding under a rock for the last few months.

So, the basic plot of the video is that, Bruno is dragging a piano somewhere. We're not totally sure where. All we know is, that piano is heavy, & this dude has attached ropes to it, & he's dragging it. He takes it across many roads, over a bridge...he sha drags it. At some point, some heavily tattooed guy is yelling in his face, telling him to stop this bullshit, amongst other things (at least so I presume, since we couldn't hear what the dude was saying). You know what that reminds me of? It reminds me of myself. Telling one of my guys to free a babe cos she was just using him to catch trips. It reminds me of every guy who's ever, in the spirit of "Bro-hood" ever tried to warn his guy, but ended up ignored.

Anyways, so he finally drags the piano to the front of a house, & this fine chic comes out to the window, but she doesn't see him. It's obvious that he dragged the piano to play for her, cos a smile lights up on his face as soon as he sees her. And just as he's about to sit & play, some dude joins the babe at the window, & she turns round and gives him some quality frenching!

Shet!!!! I swear I almost died!!! After all the stress, the babe was cheating on him?!?! To say na me ehn, na there we for die! No be say anything o! I for kee everybody there!

But Mr. Mars? He simply turns round, &  starts dragging his piano back. He drags it do a train track, & is hit by a train,  piano & all.

Now, I'm sure we all know someone (cos I'm sure nobody's ever going to admit to being a mugu once upon a time) who was like Mr. Mars at some point. Some babe was always using him to do anyhow. Meanwhile, this dude was forming lover man all over town.

Is this what our women are trying to do to us???

I wee not gree o! Ehen!

Any girl that wants me to catch grenade for her, & is not ready to chop at least two bullets for me, is a  big joker. Ahan! Kilode?!?

In this 2011, there shall be no grenade catching for anybody. In fact, if them throw stone sef I wee not catch. In fact, as I told one babe that asked me about grenade catching, "I can help you hold the grenade pin. You keep the rest." *hiss* .....That regular thing that babes do when, they'll enter the club & be talking anyhow to some dude. When gbege come bust, na me them go come meet say "Panda did you see what that guy did? Panda do something! Panda is this how you'll let him disrespect me?" Mehn babe you're completely on your own o! I no fit go swallow panadol for you after you carry your own head go knack for ground!

And I blame all these ridiculous expectations on those singers. They'll sit down & write one silly song so that they can sell. Meanwhile, they forget that they're putting the rest of us in trouble. I mean, even D'Banj sef is guilty. Now women don dey find "scapegoat" up & down. Me I cannot be anybody's scapegoat o! Don't go and dull o.

Anyways sha. This is just a disclaimer o. In 2011, if you're looking for a scapegoat, or somebody that'll catch grenade for you, don't look at Panda o....you've definitely come to the wrong place.

Please, fellas. Look very well at the girl you're proclaiming love for o! If she's using your head anyhow, open your eyes o! Don't bring that bullshit "love is blind" nonsense in 2011. Let your love wear glasses if it has to. Before you will go and catch grenade for nothing. Ladies, I advise you to do this as well...

Ehen..

Disclaimer: If at any point in time, I actually told you that I would do anything of the foolish sort for you, I must have been drunk, stoned out of my mind, or possibly both. And statements made under the influence can not be held against me in the court of law...at least I don't think so.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

It's 2011....now get over yourself.

Yes.

This is exactly as it sounds. It's a new year and I'm  tired of the bullshit. I usually don't make new year resolutions, but I decided to make only one. If anyone is gonna use me to catch trips just so that they can do me a favour, I. Will. Not. Beg. You.

See, I may be an ass more often than not. I may be quite sarcastic most of the time. Maybe it's because people that should've been "friends & family" have at one point or the other let me down. So now I've been disillusioned as regarding the "kind nature of mankind". But at the base of it, I'm still a nice guy to people when it counts. I don't put anyone on some long trips when they ask me for a favour. If I can, I do. If I can't, I simply say so. What I do not do, is make people look stupid just cos they've come to me for help. I treat people with a certain level of respect, & I will not accept any less, from ANYONE.

If you know me, be warned. If I come to you for help, it's because I have some form of faith in your abilities, & I feel we're at a point where I can come to you for stuff. Ergo, I do not expect you to treat me like a beggar o. If you can't help me, say so. If you can, then please do & don't fuck about.

Okay? Bye.

Posted via Blogaway on my Android® Device.

The Naija Blonde.

I JUST CAN'T ANYMORE!!!!!

I'm really confused. What is it with girls, who think that their pretty faces give them an excuse to be all daft???

These days, the term for a lot of girls (I'd call them women, but that'd be an insult to real women so…) in Lagos is "Naija Blonde". Cos mehn, the level of stupidity among them is frightening! And speaking about being blonde, has anyone noticed how many "girls" these days, refer to themselves as "Black Barbie"???

I'm a bit confused here. Is it that most of these girls don't realize that one of the biggest qualities that Barbie had/has been the fact that the light bulb on her mental porch wasn't particularly bright??? She always had to run to "Ken" for help (who in my opinion was just as dimwitted for being in a relationship with such an expired carton of unintelligence). Why in the name of everything holy would anyone want to be the "black version" of that??? I don't get it!!!

Case: So this very pretty girl walks into the library – It's that section of the library where people can bring in their laptops, so they can browse and get their work done – So, I'm looking like, hmmm…who's this pretty young thing??? Thankfully, I'm looking real fly in this lilac shirt and purple paisley tie, so I look her straight in the eye & say hi with a smile on (anyone notice the rhymes?? J)

First of all, the olodo of a child barely even says hi back. That one irritated me right away! I mean me!!! Na wa o…wharris going on in this life??? Anyways, so she brings her laptop in, and - after doing me anyhow – she asks if I can help her sort out her connection. This is the conversation that follows:

Dumb Girl: Hey, em, please could you help me? I wanna connect my lappy.

Panda: O. No wahala. That dude over there is sharing a wifi connection.

DumbGirl: (With a confused look on her face) A what?

Panda: A wifi connection.

DumbGirl: (Looks even more confused) ehn??

Panda: (An exasperated look on my face) a wireless connection.

DumbGirl: O. So how do I get it?

*I point at the laptop that's connected to the LAN port*

DumbGirl: But there's no-one there!

Panda: I mean… (Another exasperated look shows up) I mean the connection is being shared off that pc. Oya turn on your wifi.

DumbGirl: My what??

*my head is starting to hurt*

Panda: The wireless on your laptop dear.

DumbGirl: Oh. (With a look that says the light bulb on her mental porch has finally reached half current) alright then.

//two minutes elapse as she attempts to turn on her pc & put on her wifi.//

DumbGirl: Ok it's on. What should I do now?

*I'm trying my best to not tell her to carry the laptop and use it as a tray in her house, since she obviously lacks the requisite intelligence to use it properly.*

Panda: Search for a network. It's called ******

//Two minutes later//

DumbGirl: I can't find it o!

Panda: Is your wifi on??

DumbGirl: Yes it is.

*O for fuck sake!!! I get up*

Panda: Oya bring it.

Now, would you believe that this idiot hadn't turned on her wifi?!?!?!

Panda: But your wifi isn't on!

DumbGirl: O……sorry….thank you sha.

*sigh*

At this point in time, all possible attraction that may have existed on a mental level (which in some instances is more important than the physical) has been blasted with a disintegration ray gun. And she's beginning to look less pretty. I mean, it's hard to find someone attractive when you keep seeing donkey ears on their head…

I just can't.

@imMiSsChYliB (an intelligent female friend of mine) told me that some women think that behaving dumb will make guys a bit more attracted to them. Like, a guy is gonna pick a chic that looks like Rosario Dawson but with the brain of a 2 year old kid with Down's Syndrome, over a simple, somewhat attractive but not jaw dropping woman, who is intelligent and has her wits about her.

Really?? Is that what these girls are being taught in that "secret school" which we men have no idea exists??? If that's what they teach, then mothers better go and collect their money back o! They are being scammed!!!

There is not one guy alive, who would do such an intensely brainless thing. The only way that would happen, was if all he was interested in was a quick shag or two. And if possible, no cuddling afterwards.

A dumb girl that's always in need of help spells only one thing: L.I.A.B.I.L.I.T.Y (spell it with me people). And the last time I checked, we fellas don't want those, we want assets (& by this I don't just mean big behinds, even though that may be a plus)

So let me clarify. We do not like dumb women. Being stupid will only attract niggas that'll shag you & then leave. Every real man (and I say "real" cos there's a lot of fake fools out there) wants a woman with a good head on her shoulders; who will be able to handle herself when there's some kinda trouble. We wanna be your shoulder to lean on, not to be carrying the full weight that comes with a wooden head!

So please, ladies, be pretty. But in all your getting pretty, please get smart as well. Remember that you attract to yourself, people that are a reflection of the kind of person that you are. So, if the only dudes that wanna date you are dumb niggas………

#ThatIsAll.