Christmas Abi?

Yes, it's Christmas. So fuck what?

Ok, that's probably not a good way to start. I mean, it's the day of the birth of the Baby Jesus. And if you actually believe that, then you have a serious problem. December 25th was not the day Jesus was born. In fact, I don't imagine that anyone alive knows exactly what date he was born. The 25th of December was simply picked by the Roman Catholic church to mark his birth.

Ok, so it's a day to "mark" the birth of Jesus. Fine then, let's move on.

Today's been quite irritating for me. Some would expect that I'd be all ecstatic cos it's the first Christmas in 10 years that my mom's gonna be around for Christmas, but honestly? Everyone, & by everyone I mean everyone, is irritating me. From my old man to my sis. They're all pissing me off. Honestly, all I would like right now, is to sit with a few friends, smoke some really good weed, have a few laughs, & be happy.

But maybe that's just me whining. I know that there's people that would kill to be me right now. So I'm definitely grateful for what I've been given. But I am also quite human. So forgive me if my attitude is shitty.

I stopped saying "Merry Christmas" a few years ago. At some point, I realized that saying that was just a bloody lie, cos honestly, ain't nothing merry bout these last few Christmases...so these days, I say "Christmas to you". You want anything more?? I can help you find a transformer to hug.

Anyways, dinner's in a couple of hours...hopefully, I'll be able to get some pot for my cousins & I to have a lil after dinner bake.

So, good reader, Christmas to you. Hope you got what you wanted for Christmas (I didn't get shit).

Nighttime Reflections…

So….today was…interesting.

I think today was probably the most indecisive I've had in a long time. So, originally, my plan was that I'd go to that whole Lekki/Ajah area today; I'd go to Le Beau's office to say hi & pick him up, then we'd go visit Angulu, who I hear is real sick. Then I'd drop off Le Beau at his office & go to Phase 1 to meet up with Kite, go say hi to my friend Eniola (who I haven't seen forever), and the we'd all go meet up with Serial Licker & share a joint together… that, was the plan (quite a lot of things abi??)

But then I woke up this morning, & I remembered that it was Lekki I was planning to go to. One word: TRAFFIC!!!! So, as I get outta bed, with another plan: Lekki, on Saturday. Today, I'll go get a haircut & chill with the fellaz, so tomorrow I can hang out with Maggie…

So I call Maggie & ask her if we're seeing tomorrow & she says she can't make it, how about Saturday? Okay to be honest, we'd already agreed on Saturday, but I was just trying to wyne her into coming tomorrow. So I figure, well, I'll shift Lekki till next week & see Maggie on Saturday. So I'm still gonna hit Ikeja today.

Next thing, Little Vixen sends a DM asking when we're going on a date….and just like that, this Panda that has been complaining that he's broke, is making plans for a movie & ice – cream… when Maggie called & I told her I was at Ozone, I was honestly as surprised as she was…

Speaking about my date, that's the first date I've been on in God knows how long. Little Vixen & I get along quite well over the phone, so I wasn't surprised that we got along in person. We started out by playing some video game - Mortal Combat VS DC (Beautiful combat game by the way) – where I totally kicked her ass. I had to let her win one round…you know…just to be a gentleman (chai, if she should read this blog I'm in trouble!) but the fact that she actually plays video games, and combat games and all is such a huge turn on for me…it's so crazy…

So we go get our tickets, she wants to see the new Harry Potter movie. That's aight. I wanted to see Tangled though… :-D… So we watch the movie, & it was cool…we were all cozy & stuff….

Mehn…giving a minute by minute narration of a date is work o! Me I'm tired joh! The point is sha that I enjoyed it! Wouldn't mind going out with her again. & since she said the next one is on her, I'll definitely take her up on that.

So yeah….I had a good day. Despite my whole bit of indecisiveness. It was really fun hanging out with Little Vixen. She's a touchy, feely person like me so there was no weirdness….anyways, I had a good day up until….*sigh* I'm not going to talk about it. I don't see the point in talking about something that's past, & cannot be changed. What's done is done.

Anyways, I just thought I'd do a lil' "Dear Diary" bull shit…I need to work on memorizing a poem I'm supposed to do at Chill & Relax on Sunday… let's get to it!

After a Minute

It's been quite a bit…

I've written a few blogs which I'd planned to post up, but they all seem so past tense to me. Maybe if I'd taken my time out to put them up as they were happening, it would have been alright. But well, let's move on to the present. There's no better time than that is there?

So, what's been going on? This weekend was a very….eventful one I should say… starting off with Saturday, I finally got my tattoo. It's my mom's name, inked across my left wrist. Thanks a lot to Dawn for that birthday present…. But of course, that story has a bit of K leg…. Thanks to my friend Kite, I got really, really high on Friday night. Yes….really high. So high that, when I went to get my ink done, I totally forgot to tell the dude precisely how I wanted it done. So….it's not like I don't like it. It just looks….somewhat outta place. Vanity said she doesn't like it. She thinks it's messy… and while she may be right, perfection isn't as important to me as is the reason for the tattoo, which is my old lady. I will be getting a lil' something added to it though. Something to give it a bit more structure…. & yes Vanity, I will be using a different guy this time…As soon as I can find the extra cash for it, it'll be done. And no, I won't be putting up a pic of it till it's all done and healed properly.

Moving on…… Saturday night came, & with the late night came things I didn't expect. Discussions regarding my behavior and manner of conducting myself, and discussions about my total lack of regard for her feelings. Then came the question which I didn't expect to hear, and with the answer that came out not to harm, but to be truthful, came a torrent of pain and emotion.

What was I expected to do? Stay in the same place? That really couldn't happen. So I'm trying to move on as best as I can. To cut off ties to the memories and thoughts that keep me awake at night and leave me unhappy, close to tears, missing that which once was. That which was taken from me without even prior notice; one minute it was there, the next minute my heart was splintered all over the floor between the doors of my hostel dorm & my neighbor's door. I did, I have done, & I still do what I can to struggle through. Having to place a cold box where my heart should be just to stay alive and looking for anything to fill up a soul gone hollow with the evaporation of faith in everything beautiful…

But I don't need to explain myself. In fact, I won't. I gave a lot of warnings, I guess now the realization comes to bear. I don't even mind if I'm hated if it'll help her move on. All I want is that she does. Cos, me and her, I don't see it anymore. I wish I did, but I look at me, and the changes is my life, the changes in my perceptions and expectations; and then I look at her, and realize that she's still that same person. She still shoulders the same responsibilities, still wants the same things…it wouldn't work.

Took a while for me to finally come to this conclusion… *sigh*…so now I'm just trying to do me. I don't want anything else. That's all. Nothing extra, no added preservatives, just me.

Does that make me unkind? Or unfair? Or uncaring?